The 8 Downvotiest Candidates in the Canadian Federal Election

19 Oct

Flag_of_Canada.svgFrom sea to sea, democracy forms the bedrock of our nation’s political process. Democracy affords us the right, nay the duty, to hold those with designs on the country’s highest office to account. Democracy demands that we demand excellence and honesty from our leaders; however elusive those traits may be. Democracy beseeches us to seek a higher dignity in ourselves through the realization that we and only we are responsible for our own destiny–not as alienated, atomized individuals in pursuit of fleeting and selfish ends, but as fellow citizens marching forward together into the freedom and burden of a self-made history. We, being Canadians, express these passions in modest terms: peace, order and good government. And for these modest terms to be descriptions of our land rather than aspirations for it, good people are required to govern. So then let us look at the field of candidates in the 2015 Federal Canadian Election and see what goodness we can divine…

1. Stephen Harper

Stephen is the sort of fellow who shakes his son’s hand rather than hugs him because he is afraid that if he expresses any more affection than this his son will become a Justin Trudeau.

2. Justin Trudeau

Justin has nice hair and a good phone voice and probably pretty nice hands too, all of which will serve him well facing down the likes of ISIS, parrying off strong-arming tactics by our friendly southern neighbours during bilateral “talks” and shepherding the wearied, indebted middle class through an increasingly automated, outsourced and competitive economy. He speaks French too and his dad spoke French as well.

3. Thomas Mulcair

They say that if you touch his beard you can make a wish and it will come true. You only get one wish though; so you must choose wisely. However, Thomas, being an NDPer, is unaware of this and thinks that wishes grow on trees.

4. Elizabeth May

Lizzy got more class than the whole f****** Cabinet! Also, our spies inform us that she is fighting for the feelz of the environment against the YOLO of the energy industry.

5. Gilles Duceppe

Je ne peux pas parler, écrire ou lire français très bien, donc je ne sais pas pourquoi Gilles est si triste.

6. Doug ‘Douglett’ McDouger-Chang

He’s great at parties, which should count for something since MPs, unless they are the Prime Minister or part of the Cabinet, don’t really do anything anyway.

7. Ur Mom Lol

According to the YouTube commentariat, Ur Mom Lol is running in the election and is representing the riding of Pwnr9111’s bedroom. She is very popular among 14 year old boys, many of whom profess a personal acquaintance with her.

8. Belphegor Lord of Death, Destroyer of Worlds

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 8.11.48 PM

Whenever I Find a Centipede in My Abode…

29 Sep
Starship Troopers, Directed by Paul Verhoeven. Produced by TriStar Pictures and Touchstone Pictures. See you're credited. Now please don't sue me. Thanks.

Starship Troopers–director: Paul Verhoeven; producers: Jon Davison and Alan Marshall; screenwriter: Edward Neumeier; production companies: TriStar Pictures and Touchstone Pictures. See? You’re all credited. Now please don’t sue me. Thanks.

HAST THOU SEEN HIM?

THE WHITE CENTIPEDE

I. W. Taber - Moby Dick - edition: Charles Scribner's Sons, New York

I. W. Taber – Moby Dick – edition: Charles Scribner’s Sons, New York

Suck a Lemon, Jerkface!

21 Aug
The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David (1793)

The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David (1793)

Jerkface posts an ad on a job board:

I am looking for someone to write five articles containing 450-500 words each on the subject of “women’s heart rate monitors”. I would like the keyword in the first sentence, middle paragraph and the beginning of the last paragraph.

I would also like for each article to be different in theme. Such as, “women’s heart rate monitors” – during exercise, sports, strapless models, watch and benefits.

I am willing to pay $8.00 per article through Paypal.

I need good quality work, grammatically correct, no spelling mistakes and sounds professional.

If interested please send me pm at bigfatdouchebag@douche.com

***

$8.00? For 450-500 words?! On a specialized topic? Wudalookliketoya? A dummy, dummy?

***

Dear fellow writers,

Please don’t accept such insultingly low rates from these exploitive jokers. An article of 450-500 words should be worth at least $100 of your time. And when you accept such low rates, you make it harder for the rest of us to charge reasonable rates. Please don’t be a scab. Thank you.

As a wise man once said, you got to fight for your right to paaaarrrtaaay.

Image

The Most Interesting Dog in the World

9 Aug

Dog lol

Coffee Is the New Lunch?!

19 Jun

Liberty Leading the People - Eugène Delacroix

Liberty Leading the People – Eugène Delacroix


If coffee is the new lunch then what happened to the old lunch?

***

An expression of realization falls over my face like the shadow cast by a cloud sailing in front of the sun.

I WANT MY LUNCH BACK!

I run to the office lunchroom, fork in hand.

Security is called.

Three gruffs wrestle me in an attempt to remove me from the office. I resist.

A crowd of browbeaten office drones congregate to watch the spectacle.

***

Within the din of the crowd, a small but sharp voice is heard:

Lunch. Lunch. Lunch.

The voice grows louder, multiplies and snowballs into a crescendo:

Lunch! Lunch! Lunch!

As I continue to struggle with the gruffs, the crowd’s chant rises into thunder:

LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH!

Finally, the righteous fury of the people is released:

LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH!

(OFFICE) WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

NO CAFFEINATION WITHOUT DIGESTITATION!

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

LUNCH OR DEATH!

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

The Boss enters the floor.

A few people notice. Then more people notice.

A domino effect of silence ripples through the crowd.

The crowd melts away, its white hot fury evaporating into the tepid clattering of keyboards; steam into air.

Not with a bang but a whimper…

Whoa! Check Out These 16 Tough Job Interview Questions

14 Mar
meeting room

1. How loyal an employee are you? Or to put it more precisely: how loyal a team member are you?

2. If you answered loyal or very loyal: To whom are you loyal? Particular team members or the group as a whole?

3. Do you think you can be disloyal to a team member while remaining loyal to the group?

4. Do you think it is important for team members to be able to relate to each other on a personal level?

5. Do you think in order to relate to one another on a personal level, relationships outside of work should be encouraged? For instance, meeting one another’s families?

6. Continuing with this example: Suppose there is a particular team member, Greg in accounts let’s call him, who had dinner at my house a couple of times. Do you think it’s odd that my wife gets cagey whenever I mention Greg?

7. And Greg: Do you think it’s curious that whenever I mention my family in passing conversation in the office, Greg, if he is in earshot, he looks away almost reflexively? You know, like with guilt?

8. You seem uncomfortable. Remember: it’s only a hypothetical.

9. I mean, I’ve never been described, at least to my knowledge, as a suspicious or jealous guy.

10. I don’t understand why you’re fidgeting. Please remain seated. There are still a few questions left.

11. And yes, of course, Cheryl and I may be a little distant from each other at the moment. But there’s something else there. Not so much a distance, but, like a wedge, you know?

12. And Greg. We used to talk all the time. Big Habs fan that guy. But now…it’s like he’s avoiding me. I don’t think I’m being paranoid here. It’s been going on for some time. What do you think?

13. Damn it man: Please remain seated. The door is locked anyway. This is between us.

14. Would you consider this loyal? Is this good for office morale? I mean, how can you run a team like this?

15. Now—and this is just hypothetical at this point—do you think you could maybe follow Greg? Just for a week or so. Just to see what he’s up to.

16. What? You’re here for the junior sales manager position? You mean you’re not the private investigator I called to come in today? Um…

Judge Judy: Al Pacino vs. John Madden

30 Jan

BLOG THE TRIO

INT. COURTROOM — Afternoon

JUDGE JUDY (JJ) sits at her desk. The plaintiff AL PACINO (AP) and defendant JOHN MADDEN (JM) stand at their respective tables.

JJ: OK. OK. Let’s hear it. What’s the issue that you two…gentlemen have between each other? Mr. Al Pacino, you’re suing Mr. John Madden for damages of $1200 for allegedly destroying your television. So what happened. Mr. Pacino first.

AP: Well. Oh boy. YOUR Honor. I’ll tell you. What happened. OK. Here’s what happened: ME and JOHN are watching football. Football. GOOD. American game. At my home. In the living room. Sitting. On. The couch. The couch. Oh boy.
JJ: Please get to the point, sir. We don’t have all day here.
AP: And the Raiders, John’s team. Scores a TOUCH DOWN! TOUCH DOWN BABY! Oh boy. Oh boy. BIG TOUCH DOWN…FOR. THE RAIDERS. Oh boy.
JM: THEY’RE A GOOD TEAM. WHEN THEY SEND THAT BALL INTO THE END ZONE AND A RAIDERS RECEIVER OR RUNNING BACK CATCHES IT, THEY SCORE A TOUCH DOWN.
JJ: Don’t interrupt, sir! We all know how football works. Continue, Mr. Pacino.
AP: OK. Hoah! So I pause my DVR and rewind. THEN. Johnny boy! OH BOY! JOHNY BOY! Takes out a highlighter. A YELLOW HIGHLIGHTER! And starts drawing. Drawing circles. CIRCLES! On my television set. My television.

JJ: Is this true, Mr. Madden?

JM: WELL WHEN YOU RUN THE BALL INTO THE OPPOSING TEAM’S N-ZONE THEN THAT’S A TOUCHDOWN!
JJ: Mr. Madden, no one is concerned with the rules of football here. We’re concerned with the law. Did you or did you not draw on Mr. Pacino’s television?
JM: WELL WHEN YOU DRAW ON THE TV SHOWING HOW YOUR TEAM RAN THE BALL INTO THE OPPOSING TEAM’S N-ZONE THEN THAT’S A TOUCHDOWN! YOU SHOWED IT! RIGHT THERE IN HIGHLIGHTED YELLOW!
JJ: So you did draw on Mr. Pacino’s TV. OK. This has been quite enough. Judgment is awar..
JM: BUT I WIPED IT OFF. WHEN YOU DRAW ON THE TV WITH ERASABLE YELLOW MARKER THEN WIPE IT OFF THERE IS NO MORE ERASABLE YELLOW MARKER ON THE TV. IT’S ALL GONE!
JJ: Hmm. Well. Then this is interesting! Mr. Pacino, did Mr. Madden remove the marker stains from your TV?

AP: Well… Oh boy. Oh boy.

JM: I HAVE PICTURES! I TOOK PICTURES WITH MY IPHONE 5 CAMERA. WHEN APPLE PAYS YOU MONEY FOR A PLUG AND YOU DO THE PLUG YOU GET PAID BY APPL
JJ: Just show us the pictures Mr. Madden. And I will remind you: corporate sponsorships are not allowed in this basic cable TV court of law!
JM: THE PICTURES ARE HERE! WHEN YOU PRINT IPHONE PICTURES ON YOUR PRINTER THE PRINTER PRINTS THEM!

The bailiff (an inexplicably rotund and uncharacteristically gruff Don Cheadle) takes the photos from JOHN MADDEN and produces them to JUDGE JUDY. The audience, live and TV, are shown them as well. There are no discernible yellow highlighter marks on AL PACINO’s TV.

JJ: Ah ha! Well. Mr. Pacino, you don’t seem to have been entirely truthful with this court.
AP: Oh boy!
JJ: Can it, Mr. Pacino! You have been dishonest. And your claim to $1200 of Mr. Madden’s money is baloney!
AP: WELL!
JJ: BALONEY!
AP: IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE! You guys…
JJ: CAN IT, MR. PACINO!
AP: You guys! JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT..THEY
JJ: Sir, you’re out of order!
AP: Out of order? I show you out of order! You don’t know what out of order is, Mrs. Judy…

%d bloggers like this: