Tag Archives: comedy

Suck a Lemon, Jerkface!

21 Aug
The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David (1793)

The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David (1793)

Jerkface posts an ad on a job board:

I am looking for someone to write five articles containing 450-500 words each on the subject of “women’s heart rate monitors”. I would like the keyword in the first sentence, middle paragraph and the beginning of the last paragraph.

I would also like for each article to be different in theme. Such as, “women’s heart rate monitors” – during exercise, sports, strapless models, watch and benefits.

I am willing to pay $8.00 per article through Paypal.

I need good quality work, grammatically correct, no spelling mistakes and sounds professional.

If interested please send me pm at bigfatdouchebag@douche.com

***

$8.00? For 450-500 words?! On a specialized topic? Wudalookliketoya? A dummy, dummy?

***

Dear fellow writers,

Please don’t accept such insultingly low rates from these exploitive jokers. An article of 450-500 words should be worth at least $100 of your time. And when you accept such low rates, you make it harder for the rest of us to charge reasonable rates. Please don’t be a scab. Thank you.

As a wise man once said, you got to fight for your right to paaaarrrtaaay.

Coffee Is the New Lunch?!

19 Jun

Liberty Leading the People - Eugène Delacroix

Liberty Leading the People – Eugène Delacroix


If coffee is the new lunch then what happened to the old lunch?

***

An expression of realization falls over my face like the shadow cast by a cloud sailing in front of the sun.

I WANT MY LUNCH BACK!

I run to the office lunchroom, fork in hand.

Security is called.

Three gruffs wrestle me in an attempt to remove me from the office. I resist.

A crowd of browbeaten office drones congregate to watch the spectacle.

***

Within the din of the crowd, a small but sharp voice is heard:

Lunch. Lunch. Lunch.

The voice grows louder, multiplies and snowballs into a crescendo:

Lunch! Lunch! Lunch!

As I continue to struggle with the gruffs, the crowd’s chant rises into thunder:

LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH!

Finally, the righteous fury of the people is released:

LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH!

(OFFICE) WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

NO CAFFEINATION WITHOUT DIGESTITATION!

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

LUNCH OR DEATH!

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

The Boss enters the floor.

A few people notice. Then more people notice.

A domino effect of silence ripples through the crowd.

The crowd melts away, its white hot fury evaporating into the tepid clattering of keyboards; steam into air.

Not with a bang but a whimper…

Whoa! Check Out These 16 Tough Job Interview Questions

14 Mar
meeting room

1. How loyal an employee are you? Or to put it more precisely: how loyal a team member are you?

2. If you answered loyal or very loyal: To whom are you loyal? Particular team members or the group as a whole?

3. Do you think you can be disloyal to a team member while remaining loyal to the group?

4. Do you think it is important for team members to be able to relate to each other on a personal level?

5. Do you think in order to relate to one another on a personal level, relationships outside of work should be encouraged? For instance, meeting one another’s families?

6. Continuing with this example: Suppose there is a particular team member, Greg in accounts let’s call him, who had dinner at my house a couple of times. Do you think it’s odd that my wife gets cagey whenever I mention Greg?

7. And Greg: Do you think it’s curious that whenever I mention my family in passing conversation in the office, Greg, if he is in earshot, he looks away almost reflexively? You know, like with guilt?

8. You seem uncomfortable. Remember: it’s only a hypothetical.

9. I mean, I’ve never been described, at least to my knowledge, as a suspicious or jealous guy.

10. I don’t understand why you’re fidgeting. Please remain seated. There are still a few questions left.

11. And yes, of course, Cheryl and I may be a little distant from each other at the moment. But there’s something else there. Not so much a distance, but, like a wedge, you know?

12. And Greg. We used to talk all the time. Big Habs fan that guy. But now…it’s like he’s avoiding me. I don’t think I’m being paranoid here. It’s been going on for some time. What do you think?

13. Damn it man: Please remain seated. The door is locked anyway. This is between us.

14. Would you consider this loyal? Is this good for office morale? I mean, how can you run a team like this?

15. Now—and this is just hypothetical at this point—do you think you could maybe follow Greg? Just for a week or so. Just to see what he’s up to.

16. What? You’re here for the junior sales manager position? You mean you’re not the private investigator I called to come in today? Um…

Judge Judy: Al Pacino vs. John Madden

30 Jan

BLOG THE TRIO

INT. COURTROOM — Afternoon

JUDGE JUDY (JJ) sits at her desk. The plaintiff AL PACINO (AP) and defendant JOHN MADDEN (JM) stand at their respective tables.

JJ: OK. OK. Let’s hear it. What’s the issue that you two…gentlemen have between each other? Mr. Al Pacino, you’re suing Mr. John Madden for damages of $1200 for allegedly destroying your television. So what happened. Mr. Pacino first.

AP: Well. Oh boy. YOUR Honor. I’ll tell you. What happened. OK. Here’s what happened: ME and JOHN are watching football. Football. GOOD. American game. At my home. In the living room. Sitting. On. The couch. The couch. Oh boy.
JJ: Please get to the point, sir. We don’t have all day here.
AP: And the Raiders, John’s team. Scores a TOUCH DOWN! TOUCH DOWN BABY! Oh boy. Oh boy. BIG TOUCH DOWN…FOR. THE RAIDERS. Oh boy.
JM: THEY’RE A GOOD TEAM. WHEN THEY SEND THAT BALL INTO THE END ZONE AND A RAIDERS RECEIVER OR RUNNING BACK CATCHES IT, THEY SCORE A TOUCH DOWN.
JJ: Don’t interrupt, sir! We all know how football works. Continue, Mr. Pacino.
AP: OK. Hoah! So I pause my DVR and rewind. THEN. Johnny boy! OH BOY! JOHNY BOY! Takes out a highlighter. A YELLOW HIGHLIGHTER! And starts drawing. Drawing circles. CIRCLES! On my television set. My television.

JJ: Is this true, Mr. Madden?

JM: WELL WHEN YOU RUN THE BALL INTO THE OPPOSING TEAM’S N-ZONE THEN THAT’S A TOUCHDOWN!
JJ: Mr. Madden, no one is concerned with the rules of football here. We’re concerned with the law. Did you or did you not draw on Mr. Pacino’s television?
JM: WELL WHEN YOU DRAW ON THE TV SHOWING HOW YOUR TEAM RAN THE BALL INTO THE OPPOSING TEAM’S N-ZONE THEN THAT’S A TOUCHDOWN! YOU SHOWED IT! RIGHT THERE IN HIGHLIGHTED YELLOW!
JJ: So you did draw on Mr. Pacino’s TV. OK. This has been quite enough. Judgment is awar..
JM: BUT I WIPED IT OFF. WHEN YOU DRAW ON THE TV WITH ERASABLE YELLOW MARKER THEN WIPE IT OFF THERE IS NO MORE ERASABLE YELLOW MARKER ON THE TV. IT’S ALL GONE!
JJ: Hmm. Well. Then this is interesting! Mr. Pacino, did Mr. Madden remove the marker stains from your TV?

AP: Well… Oh boy. Oh boy.

JM: I HAVE PICTURES! I TOOK PICTURES WITH MY IPHONE 5 CAMERA. WHEN APPLE PAYS YOU MONEY FOR A PLUG AND YOU DO THE PLUG YOU GET PAID BY APPL
JJ: Just show us the pictures Mr. Madden. And I will remind you: corporate sponsorships are not allowed in this basic cable TV court of law!
JM: THE PICTURES ARE HERE! WHEN YOU PRINT IPHONE PICTURES ON YOUR PRINTER THE PRINTER PRINTS THEM!

The bailiff (an inexplicably rotund and uncharacteristically gruff Don Cheadle) takes the photos from JOHN MADDEN and produces them to JUDGE JUDY. The audience, live and TV, are shown them as well. There are no discernible yellow highlighter marks on AL PACINO’s TV.

JJ: Ah ha! Well. Mr. Pacino, you don’t seem to have been entirely truthful with this court.
AP: Oh boy!
JJ: Can it, Mr. Pacino! You have been dishonest. And your claim to $1200 of Mr. Madden’s money is baloney!
AP: WELL!
JJ: BALONEY!
AP: IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE! You guys…
JJ: CAN IT, MR. PACINO!
AP: You guys! JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT..THEY
JJ: Sir, you’re out of order!
AP: Out of order? I show you out of order! You don’t know what out of order is, Mrs. Judy…

RoboCop Is a Difficult Guy to Work With

26 Nov

Robocop_film

INT. OFFICE – EARLY EVENING

ROBOCOP is at his desk, typing away like a machine. GREG and RAJ stand a few feet away, looking at him.

Raj: He’s been working nine am to eleven pm every day for the past month.
Greg: Look, the guy has a work ethic–no one can argue with that–but he’s setting the bar a bit high for the rest of us, you know?
Raj: I know. Hey, I’ve regularly put in 50-60 hour weeks here. But with this guy, you can’t compete. I have other priorities–wife, kids, groceries–a life, you know. I can’t afford to be here till 11pm everyday.
Greg: Yeah man; he’s making us look bad.
Raj: Do you think we should say something to him?
Greg: He’s a bit difficult to get along with, but I don’t know…
Raj: I’m going to say something to him.
Greg: It’s your call, man. Anyway, I gotta hit the road, see you Monday.
Raj: Have a good weekend. I’ll see you Monday.

GREG leaves. RAJ walks up to ROBOCOP, who is still sitting at his desk typing steadfastly.

Raj: Hey…hi…RoboCop?
RoboCop: Raj Patel, Digital Marketing Analyst, how may I assist you?
Raj: Well, there’s something that I–that we’ve–wanted to talk to you about.
RoboCop: Specify.
Raj: Look, RoboCop. We all appreciate the amount of work you put in here. But you don’t need to work to 11 at night, 12 or one in the morning every day.
RoboCop: False: I require only one hour of charging for every 24 hours of activity. I can work from 9:00am to 8:00am, but do not as there is insufficient work.
Raj: Well, that’s the thing, RoboCop: The rest of us can’t work 23 hour days. It’s not humanely possible.
RoboCop: I am not–no longer–human.
Raj: I’m not saying…
RoboCop: What are you saying Raj Patel, Digital Marketing Analyst?
Raj: Look, when you put in those kind of hours even if your a…robo…machine–what do you prefer?
RoboCop: I have no preferences. Only programming.
Raj: Well, when you put in those kind of hours, it makes the rest of us look less capable. And besides, we can’t put in those kind of hours. We have families and lives to tend to. I’m sure you can understand?

ROBOCOP pauses momentarily before looking off scene, his lips quivering slightly below the metallic sheen of his helmet.

Robocop: Affirmative: Alex Murphy had a family…loving wife and children…
Raj: I know RoboCop. I know…

Werner Herzog Conducts a Job Interview

23 Oct

wh

Ever been to a job interview where the questions thrown at you were so apparently irrelevant yet earnestly put that they seem to have slid out of the mind of some curious riddler in the shade of, say, Werner Herzog?

What if Werner Herzog actually was the person interviewing you?

INT. CORNER OFFICE–DAY

CANDIDATE, a sharply dressed young man, walks confidently into a corner office with WERNER HERZOG sitting at a desk, the city skyline peeking through the blinds of the window behind him.

Candidate: Hello. Mr. Herzog? I’m David. We spoke on the phone. I’m here for the job interview.
Werner Herzog: Oh yes. Yes. Please, Verner is fine. Nice to meet you, David. Take a seat. How are you?
C: Goo..well, thank you. How are you?
WH: Good. Sank you.

WH: Okay. Lez get started–if you vere to walk into vwork and see a banana peel on ze floor, how vould zat make you feel?
C: Uh..well, I’m not sure, to be honest. Is it my banana?
WH: It is its own banana. But only a peel now. Ze banana part is gone.
C: I’m not sure of the relev….
WH: Could you pick up the banana, do you sink?
C: The banana peel, you mean? And yes, of course. But why…
WH: Ah, you learn quick. Good. Now let me ask you: Vould you pick up ze banana peel?
C: Why? Have I been asked to?
WH: You mean: is it part of your job?
C: Yes.
WH:
C: …do you want me to pick up a banana peel?
WH: Yes.
C: Is it part of my job?
WH: In a way.
C: What does that mean? All due respect, but I thought I was being interviewed as an accountant. Not a janitor.
WH: But isn’t an accountant just a janitor for numbers?
C: Huh? What? But then why do you need me to pick up a banana? Is there even a banana?
WH: Peel. And yes. Zare are many banana peels in my financial records. Zee actual sums are gone–like ze banana–but ze records are zare–like ze peel. And zay are really messy and need to be cleaned up by a numbers-janitor. So can you pick up zeez banana peels?
C: That is the single most roundabout way of asking a question I have ever heard. And yes. Yes, I can.
WH: I am very pleased to hear zis. I vould be delighted if you vould take ze job. But just one more question: If you saw an ostrich flying a kite, do you sink it vould be sad?

And so on and so forth…

Stalinist Comedy Night…

18 Sep

Stalin Jokes

Imperialist chicken crosses road? Vhy?
To undermine dictatorship of proletariat.

THAT IS PUNCHLINE.

Laugh…

Contrived, rigid laughter

NEXT JOKE:

What is deal with means of production?

When you own, you are capitalist imperialist pig.
But when you don’t own, you are glorious revolutionary seizing means of production…

BUT THEN YOU OWN AGAIN! So are you communist or capitalist?!

I MEAN SO CRAZY, RIGHT!?

Now you laugh or are counterrevolutionary dog.

A pause. A gunshot. More contrived and rigid laughter

Hey! Have you noticed Stalinists drive car like this?

Stalin mimes driving a car, his arms outstretched languidly upon the steering wheel while leaning back with self-assured, chilled expression on his face.

But Trotskyist drive car like this…

Stalin mimes driving a car, scrunching his arms and body up against the imaginary wheel with a constipated expression on his face.

LAUGH.

NOW DON’T LAUGH.

BECAUSE TROTSKY NEVER EXISTED.

There is no Trotsky; only Stalin.

That is punchline.

NOW LAUGH AGAIN.

%d bloggers like this: