Archive | July, 2013

The Most Efficient Joke in the World and Other Stuff

26 Jul

Knock knock. Who’s there? Yo’ mama–who is so fat she blocked the chicken from crossing the street to get to the other side, which a man was walking down before walking into a bar with a rabbi and a priest.

Because of its economy and efficiency this is the most popular joke in Germany.

Just joking! They don’t have jokes in Germany.

Ich bin nicht Deutsch, but I can still say this because I’m Canadian and I live in Canada far away from Germany.

Also, if I was to receive backlash for such a joke, I’d just say I was American and let the Yanks take the blame.

Many nice Americans say that they’re Canadians when traveling to avoid anti-American sentiment. I wonder, do asshole Canadians claim that they’re Americans when travelling to tarnish the reputation of our southern neighbors?

So how do you tell the difference between a Canadian and an American then?

You can’t.

Both nationalities are actually invisible, “To Barack Obama who doesn’t care about the little guy and is constantly working day in, day out to destroy the American way of life in order to make way for the NWO!” say tinfoil hat-wearing bunker-dwellers who think that the government is operating some sort of all-reaching clandestine operation to collect your personal information into a giant database while carrying on secret wars with flying killer robots.

One Amazing Ant Fact that Will Leave You Flummoxed

18 Jul

The_Ant_and_the_Grasshopper_-_Project_Gutenberg_etext_19994

Did you know that the African Alfalfa Ant produces a soft whistle while working? Though the whistle is inaudible to humans, the ant is actually able to create a simple melody which its fellow ants (assuming they are from the same species and nest) recognize and regularly emulate–in effect, they sing along with each other. Another interesting fact about the African Alfalfa Ant is that it doesn’t exist and all this was made up. Time thievery, this was. A clear cut case.

How to Aggressively Market a Product in a Fiercely Competitive Market — Blackberry Case

17 Jul

DSC_1205

INT. COMMERCIAL SET – DAY

“I love my BlackBerry! It has all the apps I could ever need or want and it’s really fast too. Great for work or play! BlackBerry all the way!”

Thurston Heins cocks the gun and points it at Blackberry “enthusiast.”

“Good. Now smile! SMILE!”

With a strained smile and glassy eyes:

“I’m so glad I switched from Android…”

“And what else? WHAT ELSE!?”

“And Apple. I…I got rid of my iPhone and got a Blackberry. I *quivering* I just love my Blackberry.”

Thurston Heins takes the “enthusiast’s” Apple iPhone from his pocket — its background a picture of the enthusiast’s family — and crushes it in his hand, staring shark-eyed at the trembling man.

“That’s right. And you’ll keep loving Blackberry.”

The Infuriating Hyperbole of the Word “Awesome”

11 Jul

Before using the term, ask yourself: Is it really ‘awesome?’ Really? Awesome like a burning sunset melting over an angry sea, each wave crashing upon the other, on and on until they are swallowed by night, lost to even the keenest eyes; now known only by ear like those virgin ears exalting in Mozart’s ecstasies or Beethoven’s triumphs bursting forth from the silence for the first time like stars igniting in cold, lonely blackness, exploding into swirling shrouds of distant nebulae ever-glowing in that endless void rolling on and on into an infinity so far beyond the paltry reaches human imagination that all we can fathom is the darkness apparent, the blackness tumbling upon the face of the waters realizing itself into existence? Is it awesome like that?

Or is it an app?

American Politics

8 Jul

The Dow Jones

Republicanlogo.svg

The NASDAQ

Democratic Party of USA

Wayback Playback Into Existential Crisis

5 Jul

The Existential Crisis of Jennifer_Lopez_people_magazine

INT. DAY TIME TALK SHOW SET – DAY

Jennifer Lopez (JL) and INTERVIEWER sit facing one another, each at a one quarter turn from the audience.

Interviewer: So, are you still Jenny from the block?
JL: Yes.
Interviewer: No, but really.
JL: Yes, for sure!
Interviewer: I don’t believe you.
JL: I’m still the same person.
Interviewer: And I still don’t believe you.
JL: Are you serious?
Interviewer: Why wouldn’t I be?
JL: For real?
Interviewer: You’re not still Jenny from the block. Just aren’t.
JL: Okay,this is ridiculous. Who am I then? If I’m not Jennifer, who am I?!
Interview: You’re a giant beetle.
JL: What!? No, I’m no…

JL looks at herself. She is a six-legged arthropod with a shiny black carapace covering her wings. She is indeed a beetle.



KAFKAED!

Franz-Kafka,-etching(author-Jan-Hladík-1978) Existential Crisis of the Metamorphosis

(For hackneyed seo purposes: Existential Crisis)

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