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9 Things to Be Righteously Indignant About

14 May




Some people are really desperate for things to be righteously indignant about. So I’ll give them a few:

1. Turnips: If you’re not starving or a 17th century serf, there’s no reason for these things.

2. Business Jargon: Everything is “kick-ass” or “rock star” these days. While these terms may apply to some fun-type businesses and business people — i.e. Richard Branson — accounting and actuarial sciences are not that visceral.

3. Asshole-Spiders: I’m not racist against all spiders. But some spiders creep into your house and think it’s theirs. They even walk on the walls with their shoes on. Spiders, if you want to live in my abode, you gotta pay rent. Or you get the shoe. Got it?

4. Twitter Relationship Advice: Here’s a tip: if someone’s in a new relationship every 2 weeks and feels compelled to discuss these at length to strangers, don’t take their advice. It’s like asking a car-jacker what insurance plan they’re on.

5. Obama: I don’t really have anything to say on his politics, but he’s quite popular in my circles and my inner-contrarian is chomping at the bit to disagree with everybody just because.

6. How Much Newborns and the Severely Elderly Look Alike: The horror. An awning void of nothingness awaiting at either end. From whence we came so shall we go. The river of time running in but one direction, swifter and swifter. To protest against it is like punching the air–you flail pathetically, grow tired and surrender to it.

7. Soft-Rock: It’s like listening to gray wallpaper.

8. The Lamestream Media: They always have that, “I’m reporting for real!” face on. Granted, I’m too much of a pussy to throw myself into a war-zone with only a collared khaki shirt and semi-drunk camera man, but I think I could do a pretty mean forecast.

9. Lists: They could go on forever, so I’ll end this one here.

Ahmadinejad Rails Against the iPhone 5 at UN

28 Sep

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Earlier this week, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad delivered a fiery speech denouncing Apple’s iPhone 5 at the United Nations headquarters in New York. He called the smartphone, “a marketing gimmick so deceptive that only the Jews could devise it.” This invective prompted the Canadian delegation to walk out, despite their patriotic loyalty to the Canadian-made Blackberry.

Ahmadinejad went on to criticize the iPhone 5, claiming that, “it’s just like the iPhone 4, but a bit thinner. Why do you need that? Isn’t it thin enough already? So it has a few more apps — big deal; maybe if it had an app that let you find where the American drones were flying then it’d be cool, but without that, no dice. And Siri. Fuck Siri. I don’t need you to answer my questions. I have an Ayatollah for that! He says that I am a very handsome, smart man.” This rambling continued along similar lines for about 20 minutes. At one point Ahmadinejad produced a carrier pidgeon from his pocket, released it into the General Assembly, and stated, “See this? Why isn’t this good? This would work fine in a nuclear winter. It worked fine in the 12th century; what’s so bad about it now?”

While the Iranian president proclaimed his criticisms of Apple, Apple’s loyal fans and customers staged a protest outside the UN headquarters, expressing their unwavering support for the technology behemoth. Some demonstrators underlined their outrage at the Iranian president’s criticisms with chants such as:

“Death to those who blashpeme against the Prophet Steve Jobs, peace be upon him.”

“There is one tech company and Steve Jobs is its prophet!”

“Apple is the one true tech company!”

“Behead the Windows users!”

Is Mitt Romney Out of Touch with the Average American?

16 Aug

Mitt Romney has often been criticized for being out of touch with the average American. Lately though, he has been making an effort to dispel such criticisms by demonstrating his familiarity with and fondness of popular American culture.

It hasn’t been working out too well.

At a press conference last week, Romney remarked that he recently watched The Dark Knight Rises, “In the cinema wing of my estate…” and, “Especially liked the buildings; the buildings were nice. They were quite tall and during the night you could see their lights – because it was dark at night and the lights were bright.”

During the conference, a journalist asked Romney if he liked anything else about The Dark Knight Rises; Romney responded oddly by saying, “I think the President is in for a surprise this November, not a rise. The American people are tired of his tax and spend policies.” When the journalist told Romney that The Dark Knight Rises was, in fact, the Batman movie Romney had just been speaking about and not President Obama, Romney seemed shaken. He tried to salvage the situation by declaring that he had actually been, “Dedicating serious thought to becoming a Batman.” At this fumble, the press scrum laughed. Again confused, Romney was quickly attended to by an aid. Some journalists closer to the Republican nominee at the front of the scrum reported the aid saying to Romney, “They assumed you were poking fun at your own wealth by alluding to Batman’s secret identity, the billionaire Bruce Wayne; the humans call this humor.”

In a last ditch effort to recover from his self-induced awkwardness, Mitt Romney looked straight at the press corps and stated with conviction that he, “Will make a concerted effort to schedule more off-the-cuff remarks because Americans like off-the-cuff remarks. That is what they like. I have watched them and they like that. I will continue to observe the American people.”

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