Archive | October, 2015

The 8 Downvotiest Candidates in the Canadian Federal Election

19 Oct

Flag_of_Canada.svgFrom sea to sea, democracy forms the bedrock of our nation’s political process. Democracy affords us the right, nay the duty, to hold those with designs on the country’s highest office to account. Democracy demands that we demand excellence and honesty from our leaders; however elusive those traits may be. Democracy beseeches us to seek a higher dignity in ourselves through the realization that we and only we are responsible for our own destiny–not as alienated, atomized individuals in pursuit of fleeting and selfish ends, but as fellow citizens marching forward together into the freedom and burden of a self-made history. We, being Canadians, express these passions in modest terms: peace, order and good government. And for these modest terms to be descriptions of our land rather than aspirations for it, good people are required to govern. So then let us look at the field of candidates in the 2015 Federal Canadian Election and see what goodness we can divine…

1. Stephen Harper

Stephen is the sort of fellow who shakes his son’s hand rather than hugs him because he is afraid that if he expresses any more affection than this his son will become a Justin Trudeau.

2. Justin Trudeau

Justin has nice hair and a good phone voice and probably pretty nice hands too, all of which will serve him well facing down the likes of ISIS, parrying off strong-arming tactics by our friendly southern neighbours during bilateral “talks” and shepherding the wearied, indebted middle class through an increasingly automated, outsourced and competitive economy. He speaks French too and his dad spoke French as well.

3. Thomas Mulcair

They say that if you touch his beard you can make a wish and it will come true. You only get one wish though; so you must choose wisely. However, Thomas, being an NDPer, is unaware of this and thinks that wishes grow on trees.

4. Elizabeth May

Lizzy got more class than the whole f****** Cabinet! Also, our spies inform us that she is fighting for the feelz of the environment against the YOLO of the energy industry.

5. Gilles Duceppe

Je ne peux pas parler, écrire ou lire français très bien, donc je ne sais pas pourquoi Gilles est si triste.

6. Doug ‘Douglett’ McDouger-Chang

He’s great at parties, which should count for something since MPs, unless they are the Prime Minister or part of the Cabinet, don’t really do anything anyway.

7. Ur Mom Lol

According to the YouTube commentariat, Ur Mom Lol is running in the election and is representing the riding of Pwnr9111’s bedroom. She is very popular among 14 year old boys, many of whom profess a personal acquaintance with her.

8. Belphegor Lord of Death, Destroyer of Worlds

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