Tag Archives: Philosophy

How to Piss Off Bureaucrats — Trolling the Man, Man

8 Oct

trolling the government

The next time you need to fill out a government form that asks you to…

List Your Occupation

Aggrandize whatever you do shamelessly. For instance…

If you’re in marketing, say Consumer Behavior Expert & Acquisition Strategist at Google (always say Google).

If you’re a graphic designer, say Artist–and make sure to capitalize the ungrammatical ‘A.’

If you’re Prime Minister of Liechtenstein, say Senior Director of Tax Evasion.

Declare Educational Attainment

No, thanks.

State Income

Yes, please.

Declare Languages You Speak

For each language that you can say “hello” in state that you have conversational proficiency. If you can say more than two words, declare fluency. Capeche? (See, I speak French.)

Declare Race or Ethnicity

Write, “Well, I’m not racist, but…” Then say something nasty about the Dutch because they deserve it. They live under sea level and walk around in wooden shoes. Damn those tulip-sniffing oil painters.

State Sex

Cross out both. Draw a new box beside “male” and write “The Man.” Check it. Beside the crossed out female box, write, “Bitches love me.” Then draw a new box. Check it. Do this even if you’re a woman.

State Religion

Sagittarius.

State Your Political Orientation

Hegalian-Neitzchean with a Kantian view of morality while accepting certain tenets of Marx; that is, the synthesis of communism from capitalism, but instead attributing this synthesis to the idea realizing itself into fruition rather than through material dialectic while also asserting that communism is not the end of history, but merely another thesis to which its corresponding antithesis is unknown; thus, the future cannot be said to be known through dialectic– dialectic is the means to knowing–hence, the future cannot be known; nothing cannot be known; therefore, knowing is existence. As the past is nonexistent and the present is illusory, the future must then be existence, which is nothing; therefore, nothing exists. Yet “Cogito Ergo Sum” — I must exist. It is through my own consciousness that I will myself into being; but being without purpose defies the purpose of being, that is, willing; hence, I must will a purpose, a morality–or a “categorical imperative” — onto reality. This is my will to power. This will draws out the future which is existence. Yes, we can. Yes, we can.

Stalinist Comedy Night…

18 Sep

Stalin Jokes

Imperialist chicken crosses road? Vhy?
To undermine dictatorship of proletariat.

THAT IS PUNCHLINE.

Laugh…

Contrived, rigid laughter

NEXT JOKE:

What is deal with means of production?

When you own, you are capitalist imperialist pig.
But when you don’t own, you are glorious revolutionary seizing means of production…

BUT THEN YOU OWN AGAIN! So are you communist or capitalist?!

I MEAN SO CRAZY, RIGHT!?

Now you laugh or are counterrevolutionary dog.

A pause. A gunshot. More contrived and rigid laughter

Hey! Have you noticed Stalinists drive car like this?

Stalin mimes driving a car, his arms outstretched languidly upon the steering wheel while leaning back with self-assured, chilled expression on his face.

But Trotskyist drive car like this…

Stalin mimes driving a car, scrunching his arms and body up against the imaginary wheel with a constipated expression on his face.

LAUGH.

NOW DON’T LAUGH.

BECAUSE TROTSKY NEVER EXISTED.

There is no Trotsky; only Stalin.

That is punchline.

NOW LAUGH AGAIN.

Wayback Playback Into Existential Crisis

5 Jul

The Existential Crisis of Jennifer_Lopez_people_magazine

INT. DAY TIME TALK SHOW SET – DAY

Jennifer Lopez (JL) and INTERVIEWER sit facing one another, each at a one quarter turn from the audience.

Interviewer: So, are you still Jenny from the block?
JL: Yes.
Interviewer: No, but really.
JL: Yes, for sure!
Interviewer: I don’t believe you.
JL: I’m still the same person.
Interviewer: And I still don’t believe you.
JL: Are you serious?
Interviewer: Why wouldn’t I be?
JL: For real?
Interviewer: You’re not still Jenny from the block. Just aren’t.
JL: Okay,this is ridiculous. Who am I then? If I’m not Jennifer, who am I?!
Interview: You’re a giant beetle.
JL: What!? No, I’m no…

JL looks at herself. She is a six-legged arthropod with a shiny black carapace covering her wings. She is indeed a beetle.



KAFKAED!

Franz-Kafka,-etching(author-Jan-Hladík-1978) Existential Crisis of the Metamorphosis

(For hackneyed seo purposes: Existential Crisis)

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