Secular Humanists and Empiricists Clash in Portland

2 Jan

Atheist Riot

Bursts of violence erupted between Portland’s Empiricist and Secular Humanist communities today as long held mutual suspicions gave way to open hostility.

“You can’t trust those [Empiricist] dogs,” says Stefan Arniso, a 29 year old Yoga instructor, “They say that the scientific method is the only true way, but have never even heard of the duelist conception of existence of Kant–who is practically a God as far as metaphysics goes.”

The Empiricists, for their part, seem equally invested in the antagonism. “Materialism is the one true reality! All others are false idols,” says Michael Bailey, a 34 year old software engineer, “The Humanist heretics will burn! They will burn!”

In response to the ongoing conflict, UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon says he, “Deeply regrets–in the strongest possible terms–the regrets of those regretting. It truly is regrettable.”


RoboCop Is a Difficult Guy to Work With

26 Nov



ROBOCOP is at his desk, typing away like a machine. GREG and RAJ stand a few feet away, looking at him.

Raj: He’s been working nine am to eleven pm every day for the past month.
Greg: Look, the guy has a work ethic–no one can argue with that–but he’s setting the bar a bit high for the rest of us, you know?
Raj: I know. Hey, I’ve regularly put in 50-60 hour weeks here. But with this guy, you can’t compete. I have other priorities–wife, kids, groceries–a life, you know. I can’t afford to be here till 11pm everyday.
Greg: Yeah man; he’s making us look bad.
Raj: Do you think we should say something to him?
Greg: He’s a bit difficult to get along with, but I don’t know…
Raj: I’m going to say something to him.
Greg: It’s your call, man. Anyway, I gotta hit the road, see you Monday.
Raj: Have a good weekend. I’ll see you Monday.

GREG leaves. RAJ walks up to ROBOCOP, who is still sitting at his desk typing steadfastly.

Raj: Hey…hi…RoboCop?
RoboCop: Raj Patel, Digital Marketing Analyst, how may I assist you?
Raj: Well, there’s something that I–that we’ve–wanted to talk to you about.
RoboCop: Specify.
Raj: Look, RoboCop. We all appreciate the amount of work you put in here. But you don’t need to work to 11 at night, 12 or one in the morning every day.
RoboCop: False: I require only one hour of charging for every 24 hours of activity. I can work from 9:00am to 8:00am, but do not as there is insufficient work.
Raj: Well, that’s the thing, RoboCop: The rest of us can’t work 23 hour days. It’s not humanely possible.
RoboCop: I am not–no longer–human.
Raj: I’m not saying…
RoboCop: What are you saying Raj Patel, Digital Marketing Analyst?
Raj: Look, when you put in those kind of hours even if your a…robo…machine–what do you prefer?
RoboCop: I have no preferences. Only programming.
Raj: Well, when you put in those kind of hours, it makes the rest of us look less capable. And besides, we can’t put in those kind of hours. We have families and lives to tend to. I’m sure you can understand?

ROBOCOP pauses momentarily before looking off scene, his lips quivering slightly below the metallic sheen of his helmet.

Robocop: Affirmative: Alex Murphy had a family…loving wife and children…
Raj: I know RoboCop. I know…

I Give Up

30 Oct

Werner Herzog Conducts a Job Interview

23 Oct


Ever been to a job interview where the questions thrown at you were so apparently irrelevant yet earnestly put that they seem to have slid out of the mind of some curious riddler in the shade of, say, Werner Herzog?

What if Werner Herzog actually was the person interviewing you?


CANDIDATE, a sharply dressed young man, walks confidently into a corner office with WERNER HERZOG sitting at a desk, the city skyline peeking through the blinds of the window behind him.

Candidate: Hello. Mr. Herzog? I’m David. We spoke on the phone. I’m here for the job interview.
Werner Herzog: Oh yes. Yes. Please, Verner is fine. Nice to meet you, David. Take a seat. How are you?
C: Goo..well, thank you. How are you?
WH: Good. Sank you.

WH: Okay. Lez get started–if you vere to walk into vwork and see a banana peel on ze floor, how vould zat make you feel?
C: Uh..well, I’m not sure, to be honest. Is it my banana?
WH: It is its own banana. But only a peel now. Ze banana part is gone.
C: I’m not sure of the relev….
WH: Could you pick up the banana, do you sink?
C: The banana peel, you mean? And yes, of course. But why…
WH: Ah, you learn quick. Good. Now let me ask you: Vould you pick up ze banana peel?
C: Why? Have I been asked to?
WH: You mean: is it part of your job?
C: Yes.
C: …do you want me to pick up a banana peel?
WH: Yes.
C: Is it part of my job?
WH: In a way.
C: What does that mean? All due respect, but I thought I was being interviewed as an accountant. Not a janitor.
WH: But isn’t an accountant just a janitor for numbers?
C: Huh? What? But then why do you need me to pick up a banana? Is there even a banana?
WH: Peel. And yes. Zare are many banana peels in my financial records. Zee actual sums are gone–like ze banana–but ze records are zare–like ze peel. And zay are really messy and need to be cleaned up by a numbers-janitor. So can you pick up zeez banana peels?
C: That is the single most roundabout way of asking a question I have ever heard. And yes. Yes, I can.
WH: I am very pleased to hear zis. I vould be delighted if you vould take ze job. But just one more question: If you saw an ostrich flying a kite, do you sink it vould be sad?

And so on and so forth…

How to Piss Off Bureaucrats — Trolling the Man, Man

8 Oct

trolling the government

The next time you need to fill out a government form that asks you to…

List Your Occupation

Aggrandize whatever you do shamelessly. For instance…

If you’re in marketing, say Consumer Behavior Expert & Acquisition Strategist at Google (always say Google).

If you’re a graphic designer, say Artist–and make sure to capitalize the ungrammatical ‘A.’

If you’re Prime Minister of Liechtenstein, say Senior Director of Tax Evasion.

Declare Educational Attainment

No, thanks.

State Income

Yes, please.

Declare Languages You Speak

For each language that you can say “hello” in state that you have conversational proficiency. If you can say more than two words, declare fluency. Capeche? (See, I speak French.)

Declare Race or Ethnicity

Write, “Well, I’m not racist, but…” Then say something nasty about the Dutch because they deserve it. They live under sea level and walk around in wooden shoes. Damn those tulip-sniffing oil painters.

State Sex

Cross out both. Draw a new box beside “male” and write “The Man.” Check it. Beside the crossed out female box, write, “Bitches love me.” Then draw a new box. Check it. Do this even if you’re a woman.

State Religion


State Your Political Orientation

Hegalian-Neitzchean with a Kantian view of morality while accepting certain tenets of Marx; that is, the synthesis of communism from capitalism, but instead attributing this synthesis to the idea realizing itself into fruition rather than through material dialectic while also asserting that communism is not the end of history, but merely another thesis to which its corresponding antithesis is unknown; thus, the future cannot be said to be known through dialectic– dialectic is the means to knowing–hence, the future cannot be known; nothing cannot be known; therefore, knowing is existence. As the past is nonexistent and the present is illusory, the future must then be existence, which is nothing; therefore, nothing exists. Yet “Cogito Ergo Sum” — I must exist. It is through my own consciousness that I will myself into being; but being without purpose defies the purpose of being, that is, willing; hence, I must will a purpose, a morality–or a “categorical imperative” — onto reality. This is my will to power. This will draws out the future which is existence. Yes, we can. Yes, we can.

The Creative Process Behind Stock Photography

26 Sep

“And as you can see, all the other apples are red, but this one here is green. This, you see, represents uniqueness and originality.”
“Wow, Jaret, that’s just, like, so creative.”
“Yah, Jaret, that is, well, that’s some real out of the box thinking right there. Really innovative, you know?”
“Oh, guys, come on…I was just..”
“No, Jaret. You’re too modest. You should take credit where credit is due.”

– Conversations from Hell


The Most Interesting Goose In the World

22 Sep

The Most Interesting Man in the World Jokes

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