Secular Humanists and Empiricists Clash in Portland

2 Jan

Atheist Riot

Bursts of violence erupted between Portland’s Empiricist and Secular Humanist communities today as long held mutual suspicions gave way to open hostility.

“You can’t trust those [Empiricist] dogs,” says Stefan Arniso, a 29 year old Yoga instructor, “They say that the scientific method is the only true way, but have never even heard of the duelist conception of existence of Kant–who is practically a God as far as metaphysics goes.”

The Empiricists, for their part, seem equally invested in the antagonism. “Materialism is the one true reality! All others are false idols,” says Michael Bailey, a 34 year old software engineer, “The Humanist heretics will burn! They will burn!”

In response to the ongoing conflict, UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon says he, “Deeply regrets–in the strongest possible terms–the regrets of those regretting. It truly is regrettable.”

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2 Responses to “Secular Humanists and Empiricists Clash in Portland”

  1. List of X January 2, 2014 at 4:30 pm #

    In the battle zone, the air is filled with smoke of burning incense…

  2. agrudzinsky January 3, 2014 at 5:20 am #

    “Materialism is the one true reality!” What an odd idea. Wait… Idea… Ideas are not material. This means that they do not exist. Materialism is not real by its own definition!

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