Tag Archives: satire

Coffee Is the New Lunch?!

19 Jun

Liberty Leading the People - Eugène Delacroix

Liberty Leading the People – Eugène Delacroix


If coffee is the new lunch then what happened to the old lunch?

***

An expression of realization falls over my face like the shadow cast by a cloud sailing in front of the sun.

I WANT MY LUNCH BACK!

I run to the office lunchroom, fork in hand.

Security is called.

Three gruffs wrestle me in an attempt to remove me from the office. I resist.

A crowd of browbeaten office drones congregate to watch the spectacle.

***

Within the din of the crowd, a small but sharp voice is heard:

Lunch. Lunch. Lunch.

The voice grows louder, multiplies and snowballs into a crescendo:

Lunch! Lunch! Lunch!

As I continue to struggle with the gruffs, the crowd’s chant rises into thunder:

LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH!

Finally, the righteous fury of the people is released:

LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH!

(OFFICE) WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

NO CAFFEINATION WITHOUT DIGESTITATION!

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

LUNCH OR DEATH!

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

The Boss enters the floor.

A few people notice. Then more people notice.

A domino effect of silence ripples through the crowd.

The crowd melts away, its white hot fury evaporating into the tepid clattering of keyboards; steam into air.

Not with a bang but a whimper…

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Secular Humanists and Empiricists Clash in Portland

2 Jan

Atheist Riot

Bursts of violence erupted between Portland’s Empiricist and Secular Humanist communities today as long held mutual suspicions gave way to open hostility.

“You can’t trust those [Empiricist] dogs,” says Stefan Arniso, a 29 year old Yoga instructor, “They say that the scientific method is the only true way, but have never even heard of the duelist conception of existence of Kant–who is practically a God as far as metaphysics goes.”

The Empiricists, for their part, seem equally invested in the antagonism. “Materialism is the one true reality! All others are false idols,” says Michael Bailey, a 34 year old software engineer, “The Humanist heretics will burn! They will burn!”

In response to the ongoing conflict, UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon says he, “Deeply regrets–in the strongest possible terms–the regrets of those regretting. It truly is regrettable.”

How to Piss Off Bureaucrats — Trolling the Man, Man

8 Oct

trolling the government

The next time you need to fill out a government form that asks you to…

List Your Occupation

Aggrandize whatever you do shamelessly. For instance…

If you’re in marketing, say Consumer Behavior Expert & Acquisition Strategist at Google (always say Google).

If you’re a graphic designer, say Artist–and make sure to capitalize the ungrammatical ‘A.’

If you’re Prime Minister of Liechtenstein, say Senior Director of Tax Evasion.

Declare Educational Attainment

No, thanks.

State Income

Yes, please.

Declare Languages You Speak

For each language that you can say “hello” in state that you have conversational proficiency. If you can say more than two words, declare fluency. Capeche? (See, I speak French.)

Declare Race or Ethnicity

Write, “Well, I’m not racist, but…” Then say something nasty about the Dutch because they deserve it. They live under sea level and walk around in wooden shoes. Damn those tulip-sniffing oil painters.

State Sex

Cross out both. Draw a new box beside “male” and write “The Man.” Check it. Beside the crossed out female box, write, “Bitches love me.” Then draw a new box. Check it. Do this even if you’re a woman.

State Religion

Sagittarius.

State Your Political Orientation

Hegalian-Neitzchean with a Kantian view of morality while accepting certain tenets of Marx; that is, the synthesis of communism from capitalism, but instead attributing this synthesis to the idea realizing itself into fruition rather than through material dialectic while also asserting that communism is not the end of history, but merely another thesis to which its corresponding antithesis is unknown; thus, the future cannot be said to be known through dialectic– dialectic is the means to knowing–hence, the future cannot be known; nothing cannot be known; therefore, knowing is existence. As the past is nonexistent and the present is illusory, the future must then be existence, which is nothing; therefore, nothing exists. Yet “Cogito Ergo Sum” — I must exist. It is through my own consciousness that I will myself into being; but being without purpose defies the purpose of being, that is, willing; hence, I must will a purpose, a morality–or a “categorical imperative” — onto reality. This is my will to power. This will draws out the future which is existence. Yes, we can. Yes, we can.

3 Seething Morsels of Impotant Rage

20 Sep

1. People sniffing incessantly on public transit every 5 seconds for 45 minutes straight…

Blow your nose, jabroni! Goddamn! Hast thou no courtesy? Art thou so congested, thy mucous stuffed moping mollusk, that thou canst but reach for thine handkerchief and spare us the wretched details your organism’s disgusting inner-workings?

2. Internet browsers (incorrectly) spelcheking my spelling…

You were invented by smart people so you have no excuse to be dumb when assisting stupid people like myself with their pointless drivel. Also, Internet Explorer: Nobody likes you, go home.

3. Androgynous bathroom signs in hip restaurants…

Thank you for putting a circle on the men’s bathroom and a triangle on the women’s bathroom. This won’t cause any confusion whatsoever. None at all. Clear as day.

You clueless gits.

Ladies. Gentlemen. It’s a simple concept. Look, I’m not saying there are necessarily only two genders. But anatomy (and hopefully good sense) prevents at least one from using urinals. Also, if you happen to be designing a washroom it’s probably worthwhile to make sure that the sink–you know, where you wash your horrible filthy hands–is usable. What do I mean by usable? Well, let’s look at what isn’t usable…

What isn’t usable and what I hope not to find in a washroom after somehow navigating the bloody circle-triangle conundrum is a giant metallic spheroid structure devoid of any discernible faucets, knobs or even water. What key unlocks the mystery of this impossible riddle? Who, I ask, has the cipher to this shrouded enigma? From what mind did this baffling sphinx spring into existence? Damien Hirst? Is it art? Is it trying to be art? Really? Because modern art has no place in washrooms unless your name is Marcel Duchamp. That was a pretentious reference to a 20th century French artist and intellectual. Here’s another: L’enfer, c’est les autres.

Fin.

Stalinist Comedy Night…

18 Sep

Stalin Jokes

Imperialist chicken crosses road? Vhy?
To undermine dictatorship of proletariat.

THAT IS PUNCHLINE.

Laugh…

Contrived, rigid laughter

NEXT JOKE:

What is deal with means of production?

When you own, you are capitalist imperialist pig.
But when you don’t own, you are glorious revolutionary seizing means of production…

BUT THEN YOU OWN AGAIN! So are you communist or capitalist?!

I MEAN SO CRAZY, RIGHT!?

Now you laugh or are counterrevolutionary dog.

A pause. A gunshot. More contrived and rigid laughter

Hey! Have you noticed Stalinists drive car like this?

Stalin mimes driving a car, his arms outstretched languidly upon the steering wheel while leaning back with self-assured, chilled expression on his face.

But Trotskyist drive car like this…

Stalin mimes driving a car, scrunching his arms and body up against the imaginary wheel with a constipated expression on his face.

LAUGH.

NOW DON’T LAUGH.

BECAUSE TROTSKY NEVER EXISTED.

There is no Trotsky; only Stalin.

That is punchline.

NOW LAUGH AGAIN.

Decoding Craigslist Housing Listings

3 Sep
George Cruikshank Last Chance Oliver Twist

I’ve lived in a few weird places run by weirder landlords, full of even weirder tenants (not just me or my roommates). Such is the price you pay when looking for places to live in a big city with limited space, cut-throat realtors and millions of people with lots of money.

Inevitably, this leads you to the bargain bin of urban real estate that is Craigslist. A casual search through these listings will turn up up a cornucopia pleasantly described but clearly shady places…

So, as a public service, I’ve decoded some of these misleading descriptions…

Central Location! (For crack dealing.)

Convenient Locale! (To get mugged by someone with no teeth.)

Quiet Lowrise! (Because you need to concentrate when cooking meth.)

Spacious Bachelor (that hasn’t left the apartment in 11 years. Is he alive?)

Beautiful 2 Bedroom (with 20 people living in it. They don’t know about labour laws and the landlord has their passports.)

You get the idea.

After a few dozen of these, it’s easy to drift off and dream of greener pastures where…

♫ ♫

Upon Lennox Avenue
On that famous thoroughfare
With their noses in the air

♫ ♫

fancy people in

♫ ♫

high hats and narrow collars go…

bap bap bapita

♫ ♫

puttin on the ritz…

♫ ♫

Reading the News is Depressing & Maddening

23 Aug

World Affairs: Those poor, poor people. I hope they’re able to salvage what peace they can from the shattered shards of their broken lives.

Municipal Politics: Those idiots! Yahoos! Mouth-breathing, drooling baboons! I should be in charge of that, whatever it is.

Money and Business: Those earning projections don’t look too hot. Bah…maybe I should have taken STEM courses in school. I’m an idiot.

Life: Oh, new recipes for Glutten-free veggie wraps? File that under who gives a shit. Ha. Now I should be an editor–could walk around with suspenders looking literary-like. Why, I could scowl at people disapprovingly from behind my thick-rimmed glasses perched a quarter of the way down my nose whilst saying things like, “I understand Richard, but I feel that the prose is constraining the subject.” Suit me just fine, that would.

Science and Technology: I do feel more sympathy for dogs than people! Interesting! I mean I see plenty of bald dudes walking around, and I don’t feel a thing. But whenever I shave my dog, I can’t help but feel a little guilty afterwards.

*Then after saying all of this out loud, I am kicked out of the coffee shop.*

Maddening.

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