Tag Archives: Lol

Goats That Scream like Humans Are Flabbergasting

6 Apr


Certain faiths hold that when people die they are reincarnated. What you’re reincarnated into depends on your karma or your actions in your past life. According to such beliefs, then, these are not goats, but sentient, feeling beings trapped in goat bodies, in their own personal hells. I find that much more entertaining because I am a bad person. Maybe one day I will be a goat. Karma.

Some First World Problems

26 Mar
woodcut by John Leech (1809 - 1870)

woodcut by John Leech (1809 – 1870)

While on my lunch break the other day, I saw a homeless man eating a bowl of steaming penne rigate that some nice person bought him.

My immediate reaction was, “Man, my bagel sucks. This lunch is the worst.”

And as far as contrived complaints about made-up problems go, I’m afraid this is only the tip of the ice-that-doesn’t-give-you-hepatitis-A-berg for me.

8. Stock Photography

Read on here.

8 Annoying Things That Annoying People Do

5 Feb
Urinal - Duchamp - Fountain

At least the Dadaists knew how to flush.


8 reasons to get your hate on.

4 Fun Ways for a Beyond-The-Pale Asshole to Spend the Day

8 Jan

asshole

To learn four of the most effective ways to be a real dick — derived from carefully collected, thoughtfully compiled research using a myriad of methods from statistical regressions to deep ethnography — read here.

The 3 Most Overlooked Shakespeare Quotes

24 Oct

“The fuck you lookin’ at, punk?”

Shakespeare is the most well known and celebrated wordsmith in the English language. As revered as the Bard is though, many of his bon mots have been buried beneath the sands of time, almost forgotten. Let us then unearth these treasures and rejoice in their riches.

1. Culinary Complaints

“You call that salami? Get outta here, you fukin’ goof!”

2. The Dandy’s Doubt

“Yo, does this frilled collar make my frilled neck look big?”

3. The Ill Inquisitor

“Hey, gettova ‘ere! What does this look like to you: A wart or a boil?”

If you liked the above shameless bullshit, I expect you’ll be happy to know there are still a couple of weeks left in the United States Presidential Election.

Comic Sans PSA

9 Oct

Did you know that every day at least 100 office workers in North America are forced to endure comic sans. To add to this already outrageous suffering, these poor people are also obliged to listen to many of their coworkers’ inane, fossilized jokes.

There is no cure. But we can still help carve a path for these people.

By telling at least one person a day to STFU, together we can create a better tomorrow where sickeningly chipper small-talk can do no more harm. Just think of a brighter future where people didn’t contrive some thousand year old joke that they have used as many in times in some flaccid, piss poor attempt at what could only be a vapid and pointless interaction.

Start today by telling someone to STFU.

DISCLAIMER: Don’t actually do this. This post is a joke. Although this may be painfully obvious to some, others (who probably use comic sans) may not get it. To these people I say: I am not instructing you to instigate conflict. The economy is already in bad shape; yelling obsceneties at your colleagues (if you’re lucky enough to have colleagues) will hurt your employment prospects–even if you’re self-employed and work alone because yelling “STFU! STFU!” to yourself is bad for your health.

The Smelliest Man In the World

17 Sep

It’s interesting how memes reflect a fusion of various pop cultural references within a larger cultural framew…

5 Amazing Answers to Kids’ Innocent Questions

30 Aug

1. Lifestyle

Q: Why do people smoke?
A: Because cigarettes are like candy: delicious and fun.

2. Economics

Q: Why is that man sleeping on the street?
A: Because he likes sleeping on the street. If he didn’t like it, he would get a job and buy a bed. It’s his choice. Remember that. And don’t let his tears fool you.

3. Empathy

Q: Why does my mommy drink wine so much?
A: Because of you.

4. Tolerance and Acceptance

Q: My friend Timmy’s favourite colour is blue, but I like green. Which colour is best?
A: Your colour is best. In fact, don’t ever mix the colours. Keep the blues with the blues and the greens with the greens. It’s only natural.

5. Morals

Q: Will my doggy go to heaven?
A: No, dogs have puppies out of wedlock and, therefore, burn in hell for eternity along with your friend Timmy’s mother. By the way, do you have her number?



Crowdsourcing Dumb: 4 Stupid Google Searches

13 Aug

I once watched a movie about the foibles of an American warship and her crew during World War Two. Early on in the film, one of the characters remarked that the warship, “… was designed by geniuses to be run by idiots.” Now I don’t know anything about the wits of WW2-era American sailors, but this sounds remarkably similar to Google. Just look at the searches below.

1. A Tenuous Grasp on Reality

What an intriguing question. Let us refine our search.

 

 

 

 

 

 
stupid Google searches


This is so dumb that it’s surreal. I imagine that if one were to hit Salvador Dali or Dr. Seuss across the head with a frying pan then force them to watch daytime TV for eight hours (lest they get the frying pan again), they would ask a question like this.

2. Celebrity Obsessions

All of the above.

And so much more.

3. Cause for Concern

stupid Google searches

I really hope it’s kids asking questions like this…or just anyone who can’t vote.

4. Prejudice

stupid google searches

No. No, they are not:

Swedish Chef Sesame Street

This guy really likes Björk.

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