Archive | January, 2013

Musing On My Favourite Animal

15 Jan

Portrait_of_a_Proboscis_Monkey

INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING

MONKEY and ME sit across from one another in a busy fine dining restaurant. We are old chums, and as such, have a past with one another…

Monkey: No, I will not keep my voice down!
Me: Dammit, stop making a scene. I just asked why you always have to bring it up.
Monkey: Why I have to bring it up? Are you kidding me? Given what happened tonight!?
Me: It was two years ago, come on.
Monkey: Yah, and the Rwandan Genocide was 20 years ago, but that didn’t stop Don Cheadle from clinching an Oscar nomination for his role as Paul Rusesabagina in Hotel Rwanda.
Me: Hotel Rwanda was made in 2004! It wasn’t 20 years ago when they made it.
Monkey: Details. You’ve always been petty like that.
Me: Petty? Me? You keep bringing up that night from over two years ago!

I swipe my hand across the table, knocking a wine glass on the floor and smashing it.

Monkey: Jesus Christ, now you’re making an ass of yourself.
Me: Well, maybe if you wouldn’t poke and pry so much!
Monkey: What do you mean poke and pry? I just asked a question.
Me: No, you’re prying! You’ve always been nosy like that.

A pause.

Me: Wait! No! I didn’t mean it like that!
Monkey: You asshole.
Me: I wasn’t talking about your…I was just saying!
Monkey: You’re a real asshole, you know that?

Monkey sits up, throws some cash on the table for the bill and leaves, alienated and disgusted.

A friendship is ruined.

END

Advertisements

4 Fun Ways for a Beyond-The-Pale Asshole to Spend the Day

8 Jan

asshole

To learn four of the most effective ways to be a real dick — derived from carefully collected, thoughtfully compiled research using a myriad of methods from statistical regressions to deep ethnography — read here.

%d bloggers like this: