Archive | June, 2013

This Sketch Would Have Been Better in 2009

28 Jun
Bank Usury Brant Banksters back in the day

Of Usury, from Brant’s Stultifera Navis (the Ship of Fools); woodcut attributed to Albrecht Dürer


INTERVIEWER sits across from INTERVIEWEE over a large mahogany desk in a spacious corner office.

Interviewer: Do you have any hobbies or pastimes you think are relevant to this position that you would like to share with us?

Interviewee: Sometimes, during lazy summer evenings I like to find the flies buzzing about my house, collect them and pull their wings off–just to watch them struggle and flail about in vain as exhaustion overcomes them and they die. And then I collect the fly corpses and put them in jars. And I look at them. Then I wait for the maggots to hatch in the spring and begin my harvest anew.

Interviewer: Excellent, I think you’ll make a great fit here at Goldman Sachs.

Infomercial Script — The Pusher

18 Jun

Infomercial Script in a booming salesman’s voice:

Tired of waking up tired in the morning? Is work dragging you down?

Don’t you just hate it when nothing seems to go as planned?

Feeling drained, unhappy and exhausted?

Try Panax!

You may not be happy, but that doesn’t mean you have to be sad.

With Panax, you won’t feel a thing.

But wait, there’s more!

If your kids are making you crazy with their laughter, their crying, their naive, rambunctious joi de vivre exploding like fireworks across a cerulean sky, fated only to wither into the gray din of adult life, then get relief with Panax for kids!

A single dose will keep them quiet and well-behaved all day long–it’ll feel like they aren’t even there–like they weren’t even born!

Call today!

And if you order your Panax now, we’ll throw in Morphine-for-Grans, free of charge!–get rid of that old, smothering burden and say hello to a life, unrestrained by the inconvenience of obligation, duty, love and guilt.

Life is for the living! And living is hard!

So say no to life with Panax!

Call your doctor today! In fact, we have his number (we have all their numbers).


Call him! Call Dr. Krammer! Do it now!

We got what you need! First time’s free! You know you want to!

Do it! Everybody else is!

Richard Branson vs Elon Musk

6 Jun

aaa both 2


Elon Musk, Richard Branson and Helen (Richard Branson’s trusty aide) sit at a dining room table. They’re having a small dinner party. A fourth unknown yet anticipated guest is slated to arrive shortly.

Branson: Could you pass the gravy? Sorry, not the chicken gravy–the beef one, you know, the thick, slow-moving one…[mumbles] like your space-division.
Musk: Sure, just give me a second, I’ll need to ask Helen to help me get it–[mumbles] sort of like how your space-plane needs help from an actual plane–Helen, could you please pass the gravy?

Helen passes the gravy to Musk who passes it to Branson.

Branson pours the gravy on his plate and takes a spoonful of mashed potatoes.

Branson: Wow. This is actually quite good.
Musk: Yes, I actually made it myself. You know, like how I made Paypal myself. With actual coding and technical skills and know-how and such.

Branson: Hmm. I could’ve sworn I saw, what’s that guy’s name again–from Paypal–oh yes!–Peter Thiel, in the kitchen helping you. It almost seemed like he was doing most of the work. But I suppose somebody needs to take credit for things.

A sharp flutter of laughter from Elon, then a straight face. He looks at his plate.

Musk:Credit? Yes. I hear Virgin Money is doing very well. Smart investment–the loan sharking business.
Branson: Yes, some people need financing to purchase things like, say, one hundred thousand dollar fancy electric cars.

Elon lucks up at Richard, staring with daggers for eyes.

Musk: A reader of the New York Times I see! Well, I have a book recommendation for you: The Cat in the Hat. I think it’s on your level.

Helen: Elon. Richard. Should I get a ruler? Bickering back and forth like school-girls! We’re still waiting on a guest, you know.

Helen is ignored.

Branson: Playing spaceman may be good fun for little kids, but I sold records from the crypt of a church to make my business. You wouldn’t last two minutes in my world, son!
Helen: Jesus Christ, Richard, grow up!
Musk: Yah, well, dressing up as a flight attendant won’t help get your Virgin Galactic in the air.

An icy silence entombs the room. Richard and Elon stare at each other, dead-eyed, locked in that eternal animosity of bitter rivalry. And then the door opens. Jeff Golblum walks through. He waives amicably at Branson, Musk and Helen. But he does not go to the dining room. Rather, he walks calmy, almost glides, to the piano in the adjacent room and sits down. He begins to play.

Because Jazz…uh…Jazz…uh..finds a way. Jazz finds a way.

Fade out to Jurassic Park Theme.

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