Archive | September, 2013

The Creative Process Behind Stock Photography

26 Sep

“And as you can see, all the other apples are red, but this one here is green. This, you see, represents uniqueness and originality.”
“Wow, Jaret, that’s just, like, so creative.”
“Yah, Jaret, that is, well, that’s some real out of the box thinking right there. Really innovative, you know?”
“Oh, guys, come on…I was just..”
“No, Jaret. You’re too modest. You should take credit where credit is due.”
“Well…”

– Conversations from Hell

Image

The Most Interesting Goose In the World

22 Sep

The Most Interesting Man in the World Jokes

3 Seething Morsels of Impotant Rage

20 Sep

1. People sniffing incessantly on public transit every 5 seconds for 45 minutes straight…

Blow your nose, jabroni! Goddamn! Hast thou no courtesy? Art thou so congested, thy mucous stuffed moping mollusk, that thou canst but reach for thine handkerchief and spare us the wretched details your organism’s disgusting inner-workings?

2. Internet browsers (incorrectly) spelcheking my spelling…

You were invented by smart people so you have no excuse to be dumb when assisting stupid people like myself with their pointless drivel. Also, Internet Explorer: Nobody likes you, go home.

3. Androgynous bathroom signs in hip restaurants…

Thank you for putting a circle on the men’s bathroom and a triangle on the women’s bathroom. This won’t cause any confusion whatsoever. None at all. Clear as day.

You clueless gits.

Ladies. Gentlemen. It’s a simple concept. Look, I’m not saying there are necessarily only two genders. But anatomy (and hopefully good sense) prevents at least one from using urinals. Also, if you happen to be designing a washroom it’s probably worthwhile to make sure that the sink–you know, where you wash your horrible filthy hands–is usable. What do I mean by usable? Well, let’s look at what isn’t usable…

What isn’t usable and what I hope not to find in a washroom after somehow navigating the bloody circle-triangle conundrum is a giant metallic spheroid structure devoid of any discernible faucets, knobs or even water. What key unlocks the mystery of this impossible riddle? Who, I ask, has the cipher to this shrouded enigma? From what mind did this baffling sphinx spring into existence? Damien Hirst? Is it art? Is it trying to be art? Really? Because modern art has no place in washrooms unless your name is Marcel Duchamp. That was a pretentious reference to a 20th century French artist and intellectual. Here’s another: L’enfer, c’est les autres.

Fin.

Stalinist Comedy Night…

18 Sep

Stalin Jokes

Imperialist chicken crosses road? Vhy?
To undermine dictatorship of proletariat.

THAT IS PUNCHLINE.

Laugh…

Contrived, rigid laughter

NEXT JOKE:

What is deal with means of production?

When you own, you are capitalist imperialist pig.
But when you don’t own, you are glorious revolutionary seizing means of production…

BUT THEN YOU OWN AGAIN! So are you communist or capitalist?!

I MEAN SO CRAZY, RIGHT!?

Now you laugh or are counterrevolutionary dog.

A pause. A gunshot. More contrived and rigid laughter

Hey! Have you noticed Stalinists drive car like this?

Stalin mimes driving a car, his arms outstretched languidly upon the steering wheel while leaning back with self-assured, chilled expression on his face.

But Trotskyist drive car like this…

Stalin mimes driving a car, scrunching his arms and body up against the imaginary wheel with a constipated expression on his face.

LAUGH.

NOW DON’T LAUGH.

BECAUSE TROTSKY NEVER EXISTED.

There is no Trotsky; only Stalin.

That is punchline.

NOW LAUGH AGAIN.

Permanent Stack Ranking — An Inspirational Speech

4 Sep

“Hello everyone. At this staff meeting, I’d just like to remind everyone—and this is coming from me both as the CEO and as a man—that here at Globex, you’re not just employees, but also numbers on the wrong side of the accounting books. Expenses. Liabilities just waiting to be neutralized.

“Moving forward, I want you all to remember that. And work–nay–live in constant fear. Fear of me. Fear of Globex. Fear of each other.

“Thank you. And I hope you all burn in hell.”

Thunderous applause.

Decoding Craigslist Housing Listings

3 Sep
George Cruikshank Last Chance Oliver Twist

I’ve lived in a few weird places run by weirder landlords, full of even weirder tenants (not just me or my roommates). Such is the price you pay when looking for places to live in a big city with limited space, cut-throat realtors and millions of people with lots of money.

Inevitably, this leads you to the bargain bin of urban real estate that is Craigslist. A casual search through these listings will turn up up a cornucopia pleasantly described but clearly shady places…

So, as a public service, I’ve decoded some of these misleading descriptions…

Central Location! (For crack dealing.)

Convenient Locale! (To get mugged by someone with no teeth.)

Quiet Lowrise! (Because you need to concentrate when cooking meth.)

Spacious Bachelor (that hasn’t left the apartment in 11 years. Is he alive?)

Beautiful 2 Bedroom (with 20 people living in it. They don’t know about labour laws and the landlord has their passports.)

You get the idea.

After a few dozen of these, it’s easy to drift off and dream of greener pastures where…

♫ ♫

Upon Lennox Avenue
On that famous thoroughfare
With their noses in the air

♫ ♫

fancy people in

♫ ♫

high hats and narrow collars go…

bap bap bapita

♫ ♫

puttin on the ritz…

♫ ♫

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