Archive | October, 2012

The 3 Most Overlooked Shakespeare Quotes

24 Oct

“The fuck you lookin’ at, punk?”

Shakespeare is the most well known and celebrated wordsmith in the English language. As revered as the Bard is though, many of his bon mots have been buried beneath the sands of time, almost forgotten. Let us then unearth these treasures and rejoice in their riches.

1. Culinary Complaints

“You call that salami? Get outta here, you fukin’ goof!”

2. The Dandy’s Doubt

“Yo, does this frilled collar make my frilled neck look big?”

3. The Ill Inquisitor

“Hey, gettova ‘ere! What does this look like to you: A wart or a boil?”

If you liked the above shameless bullshit, I expect you’ll be happy to know there are still a couple of weeks left in the United States Presidential Election.

Comic Sans PSA

9 Oct

Did you know that every day at least 100 office workers in North America are forced to endure comic sans. To add to this already outrageous suffering, these poor people are also obliged to listen to many of their coworkers’ inane, fossilized jokes.

There is no cure. But we can still help carve a path for these people.

By telling at least one person a day to STFU, together we can create a better tomorrow where sickeningly chipper small-talk can do no more harm. Just think of a brighter future where people didn’t contrive some thousand year old joke that they have used as many in times in some flaccid, piss poor attempt at what could only be a vapid and pointless interaction.

Start today by telling someone to STFU.

DISCLAIMER: Don’t actually do this. This post is a joke. Although this may be painfully obvious to some, others (who probably use comic sans) may not get it. To these people I say: I am not instructing you to instigate conflict. The economy is already in bad shape; yelling obsceneties at your colleagues (if you’re lucky enough to have colleagues) will hurt your employment prospects–even if you’re self-employed and work alone because yelling “STFU! STFU!” to yourself is bad for your health.

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