Tag Archives: news

Reading the News is Depressing & Maddening

23 Aug

World Affairs: Those poor, poor people. I hope they’re able to salvage what peace they can from the shattered shards of their broken lives.

Municipal Politics: Those idiots! Yahoos! Mouth-breathing, drooling baboons! I should be in charge of that, whatever it is.

Money and Business: Those earning projections don’t look too hot. Bah…maybe I should have taken STEM courses in school. I’m an idiot.

Life: Oh, new recipes for Glutten-free veggie wraps? File that under who gives a shit. Ha. Now I should be an editor–could walk around with suspenders looking literary-like. Why, I could scowl at people disapprovingly from behind my thick-rimmed glasses perched a quarter of the way down my nose whilst saying things like, “I understand Richard, but I feel that the prose is constraining the subject.” Suit me just fine, that would.

Science and Technology: I do feel more sympathy for dogs than people! Interesting! I mean I see plenty of bald dudes walking around, and I don’t feel a thing. But whenever I shave my dog, I can’t help but feel a little guilty afterwards.

*Then after saying all of this out loud, I am kicked out of the coffee shop.*


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