Tag Archives: dark humor

3 Seething Morsels of Impotant Rage

20 Sep

1. People sniffing incessantly on public transit every 5 seconds for 45 minutes straight…

Blow your nose, jabroni! Goddamn! Hast thou no courtesy? Art thou so congested, thy mucous stuffed moping mollusk, that thou canst but reach for thine handkerchief and spare us the wretched details your organism’s disgusting inner-workings?

2. Internet browsers (incorrectly) spelcheking my spelling…

You were invented by smart people so you have no excuse to be dumb when assisting stupid people like myself with their pointless drivel. Also, Internet Explorer: Nobody likes you, go home.

3. Androgynous bathroom signs in hip restaurants…

Thank you for putting a circle on the men’s bathroom and a triangle on the women’s bathroom. This won’t cause any confusion whatsoever. None at all. Clear as day.

You clueless gits.

Ladies. Gentlemen. It’s a simple concept. Look, I’m not saying there are necessarily only two genders. But anatomy (and hopefully good sense) prevents at least one from using urinals. Also, if you happen to be designing a washroom it’s probably worthwhile to make sure that the sink–you know, where you wash your horrible filthy hands–is usable. What do I mean by usable? Well, let’s look at what isn’t usable…

What isn’t usable and what I hope not to find in a washroom after somehow navigating the bloody circle-triangle conundrum is a giant metallic spheroid structure devoid of any discernible faucets, knobs or even water. What key unlocks the mystery of this impossible riddle? Who, I ask, has the cipher to this shrouded enigma? From what mind did this baffling sphinx spring into existence? Damien Hirst? Is it art? Is it trying to be art? Really? Because modern art has no place in washrooms unless your name is Marcel Duchamp. That was a pretentious reference to a 20th century French artist and intellectual. Here’s another: L’enfer, c’est les autres.

Fin.

Stalinist Comedy Night…

18 Sep

Stalin Jokes

Imperialist chicken crosses road? Vhy?
To undermine dictatorship of proletariat.

THAT IS PUNCHLINE.

Laugh…

Contrived, rigid laughter

NEXT JOKE:

What is deal with means of production?

When you own, you are capitalist imperialist pig.
But when you don’t own, you are glorious revolutionary seizing means of production…

BUT THEN YOU OWN AGAIN! So are you communist or capitalist?!

I MEAN SO CRAZY, RIGHT!?

Now you laugh or are counterrevolutionary dog.

A pause. A gunshot. More contrived and rigid laughter

Hey! Have you noticed Stalinists drive car like this?

Stalin mimes driving a car, his arms outstretched languidly upon the steering wheel while leaning back with self-assured, chilled expression on his face.

But Trotskyist drive car like this…

Stalin mimes driving a car, scrunching his arms and body up against the imaginary wheel with a constipated expression on his face.

LAUGH.

NOW DON’T LAUGH.

BECAUSE TROTSKY NEVER EXISTED.

There is no Trotsky; only Stalin.

That is punchline.

NOW LAUGH AGAIN.

Decoding Craigslist Housing Listings

3 Sep
George Cruikshank Last Chance Oliver Twist

I’ve lived in a few weird places run by weirder landlords, full of even weirder tenants (not just me or my roommates). Such is the price you pay when looking for places to live in a big city with limited space, cut-throat realtors and millions of people with lots of money.

Inevitably, this leads you to the bargain bin of urban real estate that is Craigslist. A casual search through these listings will turn up up a cornucopia pleasantly described but clearly shady places…

So, as a public service, I’ve decoded some of these misleading descriptions…

Central Location! (For crack dealing.)

Convenient Locale! (To get mugged by someone with no teeth.)

Quiet Lowrise! (Because you need to concentrate when cooking meth.)

Spacious Bachelor (that hasn’t left the apartment in 11 years. Is he alive?)

Beautiful 2 Bedroom (with 20 people living in it. They don’t know about labour laws and the landlord has their passports.)

You get the idea.

After a few dozen of these, it’s easy to drift off and dream of greener pastures where…

♫ ♫

Upon Lennox Avenue
On that famous thoroughfare
With their noses in the air

♫ ♫

fancy people in

♫ ♫

high hats and narrow collars go…

bap bap bapita

♫ ♫

puttin on the ritz…

♫ ♫

This Sketch Would Have Been Better in 2009

28 Jun
Bank Usury Brant Banksters back in the day

Of Usury, from Brant’s Stultifera Navis (the Ship of Fools); woodcut attributed to Albrecht Dürer

INT. OFFICE BUILDING, CORNER OFFICE – DAY

INTERVIEWER sits across from INTERVIEWEE over a large mahogany desk in a spacious corner office.

Interviewer: Do you have any hobbies or pastimes you think are relevant to this position that you would like to share with us?

Interviewee: Sometimes, during lazy summer evenings I like to find the flies buzzing about my house, collect them and pull their wings off–just to watch them struggle and flail about in vain as exhaustion overcomes them and they die. And then I collect the fly corpses and put them in jars. And I look at them. Then I wait for the maggots to hatch in the spring and begin my harvest anew.

Interviewer: Excellent, I think you’ll make a great fit here at Goldman Sachs.

Infomercial Script — The Pusher

18 Jun

Infomercial Script in a booming salesman’s voice:

Tired of waking up tired in the morning? Is work dragging you down?

Don’t you just hate it when nothing seems to go as planned?

Feeling drained, unhappy and exhausted?

Try Panax!

You may not be happy, but that doesn’t mean you have to be sad.

With Panax, you won’t feel a thing.

But wait, there’s more!

If your kids are making you crazy with their laughter, their crying, their naive, rambunctious joi de vivre exploding like fireworks across a cerulean sky, fated only to wither into the gray din of adult life, then get relief with Panax for kids!

A single dose will keep them quiet and well-behaved all day long–it’ll feel like they aren’t even there–like they weren’t even born!

Call today!

And if you order your Panax now, we’ll throw in Morphine-for-Grans, free of charge!–get rid of that old, smothering burden and say hello to a life, unrestrained by the inconvenience of obligation, duty, love and guilt.

Life is for the living! And living is hard!

So say no to life with Panax!

Call your doctor today! In fact, we have his number (we have all their numbers).

416-782-2387

Call him! Call Dr. Krammer! Do it now!

We got what you need! First time’s free! You know you want to!

Do it! Everybody else is!

Some First World Problems

26 Mar
woodcut by John Leech (1809 - 1870)

woodcut by John Leech (1809 – 1870)

While on my lunch break the other day, I saw a homeless man eating a bowl of steaming penne rigate that some nice person bought him.

My immediate reaction was, “Man, my bagel sucks. This lunch is the worst.”

And as far as contrived complaints about made-up problems go, I’m afraid this is only the tip of the ice-that-doesn’t-give-you-hepatitis-A-berg for me.

8. Stock Photography

Read on here.

4 Fun Ways for a Beyond-The-Pale Asshole to Spend the Day

8 Jan

asshole

To learn four of the most effective ways to be a real dick — derived from carefully collected, thoughtfully compiled research using a myriad of methods from statistical regressions to deep ethnography — read here.

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