Archive | October, 2013

I Give Up

30 Oct


Werner Herzog Conducts a Job Interview

23 Oct


Ever been to a job interview where the questions thrown at you were so apparently irrelevant yet earnestly put that they seem to have slid out of the mind of some curious riddler in the shade of, say, Werner Herzog?

What if Werner Herzog actually was the person interviewing you?


CANDIDATE, a sharply dressed young man, walks confidently into a corner office with WERNER HERZOG sitting at a desk, the city skyline peeking through the blinds of the window behind him.

Candidate: Hello. Mr. Herzog? I’m David. We spoke on the phone. I’m here for the job interview.
Werner Herzog: Oh yes. Yes. Please, Verner is fine. Nice to meet you, David. Take a seat. How are you?
C: Goo..well, thank you. How are you?
WH: Good. Sank you.

WH: Okay. Lez get started–if you vere to walk into vwork and see a banana peel on ze floor, how vould zat make you feel?
C: Uh..well, I’m not sure, to be honest. Is it my banana?
WH: It is its own banana. But only a peel now. Ze banana part is gone.
C: I’m not sure of the relev….
WH: Could you pick up the banana, do you sink?
C: The banana peel, you mean? And yes, of course. But why…
WH: Ah, you learn quick. Good. Now let me ask you: Vould you pick up ze banana peel?
C: Why? Have I been asked to?
WH: You mean: is it part of your job?
C: Yes.
C: …do you want me to pick up a banana peel?
WH: Yes.
C: Is it part of my job?
WH: In a way.
C: What does that mean? All due respect, but I thought I was being interviewed as an accountant. Not a janitor.
WH: But isn’t an accountant just a janitor for numbers?
C: Huh? What? But then why do you need me to pick up a banana? Is there even a banana?
WH: Peel. And yes. Zare are many banana peels in my financial records. Zee actual sums are gone–like ze banana–but ze records are zare–like ze peel. And zay are really messy and need to be cleaned up by a numbers-janitor. So can you pick up zeez banana peels?
C: That is the single most roundabout way of asking a question I have ever heard. And yes. Yes, I can.
WH: I am very pleased to hear zis. I vould be delighted if you vould take ze job. But just one more question: If you saw an ostrich flying a kite, do you sink it vould be sad?

And so on and so forth…

How to Piss Off Bureaucrats — Trolling the Man, Man

8 Oct

trolling the government

The next time you need to fill out a government form that asks you to…

List Your Occupation

Aggrandize whatever you do shamelessly. For instance…

If you’re in marketing, say Consumer Behavior Expert & Acquisition Strategist at Google (always say Google).

If you’re a graphic designer, say Artist–and make sure to capitalize the ungrammatical ‘A.’

If you’re Prime Minister of Liechtenstein, say Senior Director of Tax Evasion.

Declare Educational Attainment

No, thanks.

State Income

Yes, please.

Declare Languages You Speak

For each language that you can say “hello” in state that you have conversational proficiency. If you can say more than two words, declare fluency. Capeche? (See, I speak French.)

Declare Race or Ethnicity

Write, “Well, I’m not racist, but…” Then say something nasty about the Dutch because they deserve it. They live under sea level and walk around in wooden shoes. Damn those tulip-sniffing oil painters.

State Sex

Cross out both. Draw a new box beside “male” and write “The Man.” Check it. Beside the crossed out female box, write, “Bitches love me.” Then draw a new box. Check it. Do this even if you’re a woman.

State Religion


State Your Political Orientation

Hegalian-Neitzchean with a Kantian view of morality while accepting certain tenets of Marx; that is, the synthesis of communism from capitalism, but instead attributing this synthesis to the idea realizing itself into fruition rather than through material dialectic while also asserting that communism is not the end of history, but merely another thesis to which its corresponding antithesis is unknown; thus, the future cannot be said to be known through dialectic– dialectic is the means to knowing–hence, the future cannot be known; nothing cannot be known; therefore, knowing is existence. As the past is nonexistent and the present is illusory, the future must then be existence, which is nothing; therefore, nothing exists. Yet “Cogito Ergo Sum” — I must exist. It is through my own consciousness that I will myself into being; but being without purpose defies the purpose of being, that is, willing; hence, I must will a purpose, a morality–or a “categorical imperative” — onto reality. This is my will to power. This will draws out the future which is existence. Yes, we can. Yes, we can.

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