Tag Archives: infomercials

Cancelled Infomercial Script

9 Aug

Can’t concentrate?

Feeling tired and worn out at work?

Is your boss giving you grief? Are your co-workers frustrating you?

Don’t you just HATE your job?


How do you think I feel? I’m an infomercial narrator! Christ!

*sigh* *chortled crying*

I was going to be an actor once.

But they said my voice was just too damn persuasive…

*Full on crying*

Infomercial Script — The Pusher

18 Jun

Infomercial Script in a booming salesman’s voice:

Tired of waking up tired in the morning? Is work dragging you down?

Don’t you just hate it when nothing seems to go as planned?

Feeling drained, unhappy and exhausted?

Try Panax!

You may not be happy, but that doesn’t mean you have to be sad.

With Panax, you won’t feel a thing.

But wait, there’s more!

If your kids are making you crazy with their laughter, their crying, their naive, rambunctious joi de vivre exploding like fireworks across a cerulean sky, fated only to wither into the gray din of adult life, then get relief with Panax for kids!

A single dose will keep them quiet and well-behaved all day long–it’ll feel like they aren’t even there–like they weren’t even born!

Call today!

And if you order your Panax now, we’ll throw in Morphine-for-Grans, free of charge!–get rid of that old, smothering burden and say hello to a life, unrestrained by the inconvenience of obligation, duty, love and guilt.

Life is for the living! And living is hard!

So say no to life with Panax!

Call your doctor today! In fact, we have his number (we have all their numbers).


Call him! Call Dr. Krammer! Do it now!

We got what you need! First time’s free! You know you want to!

Do it! Everybody else is!

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