Tag Archives: North Korea

9 Things to Be Righteously Indignant About

14 May




Some people are really desperate for things to be righteously indignant about. So I’ll give them a few:

1. Turnips: If you’re not starving or a 17th century serf, there’s no reason for these things.

2. Business Jargon: Everything is “kick-ass” or “rock star” these days. While these terms may apply to some fun-type businesses and business people — i.e. Richard Branson — accounting and actuarial sciences are not that visceral.

3. Asshole-Spiders: I’m not racist against all spiders. But some spiders creep into your house and think it’s theirs. They even walk on the walls with their shoes on. Spiders, if you want to live in my abode, you gotta pay rent. Or you get the shoe. Got it?

4. Twitter Relationship Advice: Here’s a tip: if someone’s in a new relationship every 2 weeks and feels compelled to discuss these at length to strangers, don’t take their advice. It’s like asking a car-jacker what insurance plan they’re on.

5. Obama: I don’t really have anything to say on his politics, but he’s quite popular in my circles and my inner-contrarian is chomping at the bit to disagree with everybody just because.

6. How Much Newborns and the Severely Elderly Look Alike: The horror. An awning void of nothingness awaiting at either end. From whence we came so shall we go. The river of time running in but one direction, swifter and swifter. To protest against it is like punching the air–you flail pathetically, grow tired and surrender to it.

7. Soft-Rock: It’s like listening to gray wallpaper.

8. The Lamestream Media: They always have that, “I’m reporting for real!” face on. Granted, I’m too much of a pussy to throw myself into a war-zone with only a collared khaki shirt and semi-drunk camera man, but I think I could do a pretty mean forecast.

9. Lists: They could go on forever, so I’ll end this one here.

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North Korean Idol

20 Jul

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea held its first “Idol” show on Wednseday July 11, 2012. The show was modelled the after the popular “American (imperialist, capitalist pig) Idol” and featured an ensemble of young women playing the “Rocky” theme song as well as an assortment of Disney tunes. Presiding over and judging the performance was Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un.

Although he expressed public approval during the show (lest the loyal workers of North Korea despair in the sadness of their Dear Leader), in private, Kim Jong-un stated that he found the premier performance of North Korean Idol to be rather forced.

The whole thing just seemed contrived. Granted, the Rocky theme song is somewhat bombastic to begin with, but, then again, that’s part of its appeal. The trick is in realizing this and not overdoing it. Instead, this (performance) exaggerated everything! Even their smiles seemed desperate and put on. It was so forced it almost seemed like the performers were somehow compelled to play their instruments on pain of imprisonment or persecution — like they were being watched and judged by secret police or some callous, fickle despot!

Despite his disappointment, Kim Jong-un has stated that he will allow a second show to take place on his birthday. In fact, he has selected an attractive young lady from the first performance to sing a rendition of Marylin Monroe’s “Happy Birthday Mr. President” to him. Of course, the song will be adapted to North Korean cultural mores and so will instead be sung as, “Happy birthday Supreme Leader of North Korea, First Secretary of the Worker’s Party of Korea, Chairman of the Central Military Commission, First Chairman of the National Defense Commission of North Korea and Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army. Happy birthday to you.”

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