Tag Archives: Film

Judge Judy: Al Pacino vs. John Madden

30 Jan

BLOG THE TRIO

INT. COURTROOM — Afternoon

JUDGE JUDY (JJ) sits at her desk. The plaintiff AL PACINO (AP) and defendant JOHN MADDEN (JM) stand at their respective tables.

JJ: OK. OK. Let’s hear it. What’s the issue that you two…gentlemen have between each other? Mr. Al Pacino, you’re suing Mr. John Madden for damages of $1200 for allegedly destroying your television. So what happened. Mr. Pacino first.

AP: Well. Oh boy. YOUR Honor. I’ll tell you. What happened. OK. Here’s what happened: ME and JOHN are watching football. Football. GOOD. American game. At my home. In the living room. Sitting. On. The couch. The couch. Oh boy.
JJ: Please get to the point, sir. We don’t have all day here.
AP: And the Raiders, John’s team. Scores a TOUCH DOWN! TOUCH DOWN BABY! Oh boy. Oh boy. BIG TOUCH DOWN…FOR. THE RAIDERS. Oh boy.
JM: THEY’RE A GOOD TEAM. WHEN THEY SEND THAT BALL INTO THE END ZONE AND A RAIDERS RECEIVER OR RUNNING BACK CATCHES IT, THEY SCORE A TOUCH DOWN.
JJ: Don’t interrupt, sir! We all know how football works. Continue, Mr. Pacino.
AP: OK. Hoah! So I pause my DVR and rewind. THEN. Johnny boy! OH BOY! JOHNY BOY! Takes out a highlighter. A YELLOW HIGHLIGHTER! And starts drawing. Drawing circles. CIRCLES! On my television set. My television.

JJ: Is this true, Mr. Madden?

JM: WELL WHEN YOU RUN THE BALL INTO THE OPPOSING TEAM’S N-ZONE THEN THAT’S A TOUCHDOWN!
JJ: Mr. Madden, no one is concerned with the rules of football here. We’re concerned with the law. Did you or did you not draw on Mr. Pacino’s television?
JM: WELL WHEN YOU DRAW ON THE TV SHOWING HOW YOUR TEAM RAN THE BALL INTO THE OPPOSING TEAM’S N-ZONE THEN THAT’S A TOUCHDOWN! YOU SHOWED IT! RIGHT THERE IN HIGHLIGHTED YELLOW!
JJ: So you did draw on Mr. Pacino’s TV. OK. This has been quite enough. Judgment is awar..
JM: BUT I WIPED IT OFF. WHEN YOU DRAW ON THE TV WITH ERASABLE YELLOW MARKER THEN WIPE IT OFF THERE IS NO MORE ERASABLE YELLOW MARKER ON THE TV. IT’S ALL GONE!
JJ: Hmm. Well. Then this is interesting! Mr. Pacino, did Mr. Madden remove the marker stains from your TV?

AP: Well… Oh boy. Oh boy.

JM: I HAVE PICTURES! I TOOK PICTURES WITH MY IPHONE 5 CAMERA. WHEN APPLE PAYS YOU MONEY FOR A PLUG AND YOU DO THE PLUG YOU GET PAID BY APPL
JJ: Just show us the pictures Mr. Madden. And I will remind you: corporate sponsorships are not allowed in this basic cable TV court of law!
JM: THE PICTURES ARE HERE! WHEN YOU PRINT IPHONE PICTURES ON YOUR PRINTER THE PRINTER PRINTS THEM!

The bailiff (an inexplicably rotund and uncharacteristically gruff Don Cheadle) takes the photos from JOHN MADDEN and produces them to JUDGE JUDY. The audience, live and TV, are shown them as well. There are no discernible yellow highlighter marks on AL PACINO’s TV.

JJ: Ah ha! Well. Mr. Pacino, you don’t seem to have been entirely truthful with this court.
AP: Oh boy!
JJ: Can it, Mr. Pacino! You have been dishonest. And your claim to $1200 of Mr. Madden’s money is baloney!
AP: WELL!
JJ: BALONEY!
AP: IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE! You guys…
JJ: CAN IT, MR. PACINO!
AP: You guys! JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT..THEY
JJ: Sir, you’re out of order!
AP: Out of order? I show you out of order! You don’t know what out of order is, Mrs. Judy…

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Werner Herzog Conducts a Job Interview

23 Oct

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Ever been to a job interview where the questions thrown at you were so apparently irrelevant yet earnestly put that they seem to have slid out of the mind of some curious riddler in the shade of, say, Werner Herzog?

What if Werner Herzog actually was the person interviewing you?

INT. CORNER OFFICE–DAY

CANDIDATE, a sharply dressed young man, walks confidently into a corner office with WERNER HERZOG sitting at a desk, the city skyline peeking through the blinds of the window behind him.

Candidate: Hello. Mr. Herzog? I’m David. We spoke on the phone. I’m here for the job interview.
Werner Herzog: Oh yes. Yes. Please, Verner is fine. Nice to meet you, David. Take a seat. How are you?
C: Goo..well, thank you. How are you?
WH: Good. Sank you.

WH: Okay. Lez get started–if you vere to walk into vwork and see a banana peel on ze floor, how vould zat make you feel?
C: Uh..well, I’m not sure, to be honest. Is it my banana?
WH: It is its own banana. But only a peel now. Ze banana part is gone.
C: I’m not sure of the relev….
WH: Could you pick up the banana, do you sink?
C: The banana peel, you mean? And yes, of course. But why…
WH: Ah, you learn quick. Good. Now let me ask you: Vould you pick up ze banana peel?
C: Why? Have I been asked to?
WH: You mean: is it part of your job?
C: Yes.
WH:
C: …do you want me to pick up a banana peel?
WH: Yes.
C: Is it part of my job?
WH: In a way.
C: What does that mean? All due respect, but I thought I was being interviewed as an accountant. Not a janitor.
WH: But isn’t an accountant just a janitor for numbers?
C: Huh? What? But then why do you need me to pick up a banana? Is there even a banana?
WH: Peel. And yes. Zare are many banana peels in my financial records. Zee actual sums are gone–like ze banana–but ze records are zare–like ze peel. And zay are really messy and need to be cleaned up by a numbers-janitor. So can you pick up zeez banana peels?
C: That is the single most roundabout way of asking a question I have ever heard. And yes. Yes, I can.
WH: I am very pleased to hear zis. I vould be delighted if you vould take ze job. But just one more question: If you saw an ostrich flying a kite, do you sink it vould be sad?

And so on and so forth…

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