Tag Archives: Douchebags

Suck a Lemon, Jerkface!

21 Aug
The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David (1793)

The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David (1793)

Jerkface posts an ad on a job board:

I am looking for someone to write five articles containing 450-500 words each on the subject of “women’s heart rate monitors”. I would like the keyword in the first sentence, middle paragraph and the beginning of the last paragraph.

I would also like for each article to be different in theme. Such as, “women’s heart rate monitors” – during exercise, sports, strapless models, watch and benefits.

I am willing to pay $8.00 per article through Paypal.

I need good quality work, grammatically correct, no spelling mistakes and sounds professional.

If interested please send me pm at bigfatdouchebag@douche.com

***

$8.00? For 450-500 words?! On a specialized topic? Wudalookliketoya? A dummy, dummy?

***

Dear fellow writers,

Please don’t accept such insultingly low rates from these exploitive jokers. An article of 450-500 words should be worth at least $100 of your time. And when you accept such low rates, you make it harder for the rest of us to charge reasonable rates. Please don’t be a scab. Thank you.

As a wise man once said, you got to fight for your right to paaaarrrtaaay.

How to Piss Off Bureaucrats — Trolling the Man, Man

8 Oct

trolling the government

The next time you need to fill out a government form that asks you to…

List Your Occupation

Aggrandize whatever you do shamelessly. For instance…

If you’re in marketing, say Consumer Behavior Expert & Acquisition Strategist at Google (always say Google).

If you’re a graphic designer, say Artist–and make sure to capitalize the ungrammatical ‘A.’

If you’re Prime Minister of Liechtenstein, say Senior Director of Tax Evasion.

Declare Educational Attainment

No, thanks.

State Income

Yes, please.

Declare Languages You Speak

For each language that you can say “hello” in state that you have conversational proficiency. If you can say more than two words, declare fluency. Capeche? (See, I speak French.)

Declare Race or Ethnicity

Write, “Well, I’m not racist, but…” Then say something nasty about the Dutch because they deserve it. They live under sea level and walk around in wooden shoes. Damn those tulip-sniffing oil painters.

State Sex

Cross out both. Draw a new box beside “male” and write “The Man.” Check it. Beside the crossed out female box, write, “Bitches love me.” Then draw a new box. Check it. Do this even if you’re a woman.

State Religion

Sagittarius.

State Your Political Orientation

Hegalian-Neitzchean with a Kantian view of morality while accepting certain tenets of Marx; that is, the synthesis of communism from capitalism, but instead attributing this synthesis to the idea realizing itself into fruition rather than through material dialectic while also asserting that communism is not the end of history, but merely another thesis to which its corresponding antithesis is unknown; thus, the future cannot be said to be known through dialectic– dialectic is the means to knowing–hence, the future cannot be known; nothing cannot be known; therefore, knowing is existence. As the past is nonexistent and the present is illusory, the future must then be existence, which is nothing; therefore, nothing exists. Yet “Cogito Ergo Sum” — I must exist. It is through my own consciousness that I will myself into being; but being without purpose defies the purpose of being, that is, willing; hence, I must will a purpose, a morality–or a “categorical imperative” — onto reality. This is my will to power. This will draws out the future which is existence. Yes, we can. Yes, we can.

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