1. People sniffing incessantly on public transit every 5 seconds for 45 minutes straight…
Blow your nose, jabroni! Goddamn! Hast thou no courtesy? Art thou so congested, thy mucous stuffed moping mollusk, that thou canst but reach for thine handkerchief and spare us the wretched details your organism’s disgusting inner-workings?
2. Internet browsers (incorrectly) spelcheking my spelling…
You were invented by smart people so you have no excuse to be dumb when assisting stupid people like myself with their pointless drivel. Also, Internet Explorer: Nobody likes you, go home.
3. Androgynous bathroom signs in hip restaurants…
Thank you for putting a circle on the men’s bathroom and a triangle on the women’s bathroom. This won’t cause any confusion whatsoever. None at all. Clear as day.
You clueless gits.
Ladies. Gentlemen. It’s a simple concept. Look, I’m not saying there are necessarily only two genders. But anatomy (and hopefully good sense) prevents at least one from using urinals. Also, if you happen to be designing a washroom it’s probably worthwhile to make sure that the sink–you know, where you wash your horrible filthy hands–is usable. What do I mean by usable? Well, let’s look at what isn’t usable…
What isn’t usable and what I hope not to find in a washroom after somehow navigating the bloody circle-triangle conundrum is a giant metallic spheroid structure devoid of any discernible faucets, knobs or even water. What key unlocks the mystery of this impossible riddle? Who, I ask, has the cipher to this shrouded enigma? From what mind did this baffling sphinx spring into existence? Damien Hirst? Is it art? Is it trying to be art? Really? Because modern art has no place in washrooms unless your name is Marcel Duchamp. That was a pretentious reference to a 20th century French artist and intellectual. Here’s another: L’enfer, c’est les autres.
Fin.
The Counterfeit Columnist 
That metal sphere sounds pretty cool. I want one in my bathroom.
*Impotent
?
Damn I should have read the whole thing first.
Bravo asshole.