Decoding Craigslist Housing Listings

3 Sep
George Cruikshank Last Chance Oliver Twist

I’ve lived in a few weird places run by weirder landlords, full of even weirder tenants (not just me or my roommates). Such is the price you pay when looking for places to live in a big city with limited space, cut-throat realtors and millions of people with lots of money.

Inevitably, this leads you to the bargain bin of urban real estate that is Craigslist. A casual search through these listings will turn up up a cornucopia pleasantly described but clearly shady places…

So, as a public service, I’ve decoded some of these misleading descriptions…

Central Location! (For crack dealing.)

Convenient Locale! (To get mugged by someone with no teeth.)

Quiet Lowrise! (Because you need to concentrate when cooking meth.)

Spacious Bachelor (that hasn’t left the apartment in 11 years. Is he alive?)

Beautiful 2 Bedroom (with 20 people living in it. They don’t know about labour laws and the landlord has their passports.)

You get the idea.

After a few dozen of these, it’s easy to drift off and dream of greener pastures where…

♫ ♫

Upon Lennox Avenue
On that famous thoroughfare
With their noses in the air

♫ ♫

fancy people in

♫ ♫

high hats and narrow collars go…

bap bap bapita

♫ ♫

puttin on the ritz…

♫ ♫


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