9 Things to Be Righteously Indignant About

14 May




Some people are really desperate for things to be righteously indignant about. So I’ll give them a few:

1. Turnips: If you’re not starving or a 17th century serf, there’s no reason for these things.

2. Business Jargon: Everything is “kick-ass” or “rock star” these days. While these terms may apply to some fun-type businesses and business people — i.e. Richard Branson — accounting and actuarial sciences are not that visceral.

3. Asshole-Spiders: I’m not racist against all spiders. But some spiders creep into your house and think it’s theirs. They even walk on the walls with their shoes on. Spiders, if you want to live in my abode, you gotta pay rent. Or you get the shoe. Got it?

4. Twitter Relationship Advice: Here’s a tip: if someone’s in a new relationship every 2 weeks and feels compelled to discuss these at length to strangers, don’t take their advice. It’s like asking a car-jacker what insurance plan they’re on.

5. Obama: I don’t really have anything to say on his politics, but he’s quite popular in my circles and my inner-contrarian is chomping at the bit to disagree with everybody just because.

6. How Much Newborns and the Severely Elderly Look Alike: The horror. An awning void of nothingness awaiting at either end. From whence we came so shall we go. The river of time running in but one direction, swifter and swifter. To protest against it is like punching the air–you flail pathetically, grow tired and surrender to it.

7. Soft-Rock: It’s like listening to gray wallpaper.

8. The Lamestream Media: They always have that, “I’m reporting for real!” face on. Granted, I’m too much of a pussy to throw myself into a war-zone with only a collared khaki shirt and semi-drunk camera man, but I think I could do a pretty mean forecast.

9. Lists: They could go on forever, so I’ll end this one here.

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